


It was always you

by galaxyofminds



Category: Blindspot (TV)
Genre: Addiction, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Eventual Smut, F/F, Guilt, Jealousy, Slow Burn, This hurt me to write, Zapatterson, like i actually cried, oh the angst
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-09
Updated: 2018-12-04
Packaged: 2019-03-07 20:09:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 25,461
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13442421
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/galaxyofminds/pseuds/galaxyofminds
Summary: Previously titled 'All These Years'Tasha joined the CIA, Jane and kurt moved to Colorado after they got married, Reade took over for Weller and Patterson... well Patterson moved 3000 miles across the country, and Tasha never heard from her again. But then they were forced to be together again, and it's harder than they both ever imagined.Set alongside season 3. I used some of the plot lines for the tattoos but the rest was me.





	1. one

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! I am in the middle of rewriting this entire pic and thought I would publish the first few chapters. Thank you to Callie for proof reading ily.

Tasha wasn't exactly sure where she was when she woke up, as a matter of fact, she didn't even remember falling asleep. Her head was foggy, and the ground beneath her was solid and ice cold; her lips were cracked and her throat bone dry. When she had finally come around enough to move her head, a hand came down on her shoulder and a familiar voice spoke out. “Hey.”  
  
“Reade?”  
  
The CIA agent pushed herself to her feet, wobbling as she struggled to gain her balance. “Easy. Take it easy,” Reade gripped her arms to keep her from toppling over, “we were drugged.”  
  
“Where the hell are we?” Looking around she couldn't see much. It was a large room, and judging by the lack of windows, they were probably underground. The two of them were sectioned off in a small area by a barbed wire fence that went from the ground to the ceiling.  
  


“Not sure yet, I just woke up an hour ago. I heard the guards talking Spanish outside, and our cell is stocked with plenty of water and MRE, so whoever took us plans on keeping us for a while.” Her eyes followed his gesture, a small smile forming on her face, partly because she was so desperate for water but partly because Reade hadn't changed a bit since she last saw him.  
  
She reached for a bottle on the ground next to her, “It's good to see you,” she said before taking a gulp of water, “even if it did take us getting kidnapped for that to happen.” Pulling herself out of his reach, Tasha leant against the wall, the effects of the drugs finally starting to wear off. “Can't believe it's been a year.”  
  
“It hasn't been that long.”  
  
Tasha scoffed. “I just passed my three sixty-five at the CIA... You haven't talked to me since I left.” She almost felt bad at the look of guilt that washed across his face, but then she remembered the countless times she had called him, and never once got a reply. “It's been a year.”  
  
Reade brushed off the hurt he could hear in her voice, starting to ask her a question about where she was when she was grabbed, but they were both interrupted by the sound of approaching voices.  
  
“Take your hands off of me.” She knew instantly who that voice belonged to. The feeling of longing, and her throat closing up was all too much for Tasha at that moment. She pushed herself away from the wall she was leaning against, walking to the far side of the cage, facing away from the door. The sound of Patterson struggling against her captors silenced when she was pushed into the cage, coming face to face with Reade. The cage door slid shut with a crash behind her. It wasn't Reade she noticed however. It was the small brunette woman standing behind him. She didn't have to think twice about who that was.  
  
  
_Tasha entered her girlfriends apartment using the key that was kept in the back of the painting hanging next to Patterson's front door. She had always thought it was cliché and unsafe to keep the key under the mat, but Tasha wasn't exactly sure how keeping it there instead was supposed to be any safer._  
  
Shifting the bouquet of sunflowers under her arm, she struggled to turn the key in the lock without dropping them.  
  
The agent didn't notice the suitcase in the corner at first, but it didn't take long. The flowers tumbled to the floor. “Patterson?” She all but ran through the apartment, searching room by room, and then searching again. She wasn't there. “Patterson!” Her voice echoed off the walls, dread suddenly flooding through her body. Pulling out her phone, Tasha pressed one, speed dial for her girlfriend.  
  
Just as she had expected, her phone went straight to voicemail. “Hi, this is Patterson, but you already know that. I'm probably too busy to talk right now, you know what to do.” She didn't bother to leave a message. Her case was still there so Tasha knew she would be back eventually. The only thing she could do was wait her out.  
  
It was around an hour later that Patterson returned home. She walked straight in, not even noticing that her front door was unlocked until she rounded the corner to find Tasha sat on the sofa with her head buried in her hands. She flinched, her heart dropping instantly. “Tash?”  
  
The agents head whipped up. She had been so lost in her own thoughts, struggling to come up with simple explanations for the suitcase she was avoiding looking at, that she didn't even hear the door open. “What's going on Patterson?”  
  
“I...” Patterson noticed the flowers lying crumpled on the floor by her feet. “I didn't want you to find out like this.”  
  
“Find out what? Are you leaving me?”  
  
Patterson's eyes blurred at the quiver in the other woman's voice. “I can't stay here anymore.” Tears finally left her eyes. “Please try to understand-”  
  
“I don't! I don't understand. Tell me. Is this about the argument we had this morning? Being in the CIA is no more dangerous than it was at the FBI.” Tasha leapt from the couch, retrieving the sunflowers. “I'm sorry. I never meant to get so mad-” She shoved the flowers into her hands, desperate for her to accept her apology. Desperate for her to stay. She would get down on her knees and beg if that was what it took. Patterson was her anchor; she kept her focused... grounded. They may have only been together for five months, but she had loved her for so much longer.  
  
Patterson dropped the flowers, reaching for Tasha's hands. “I'm not leaving you. I'm leaving New York.” Tasha's freezing hands almost burned in her own, she had to stop herself from instantly pulling away.  
  
“Where are you going?”  
  
“California.” Her eyes flicked away from Tasha's. “I got a call about my app design, they want me to start developing it ri-”  
  
“Cali?” Tasha pulled her hands away as if she had been stung. “That's like... three thousand miles away. You say you aren't leaving me but that is exactly what you are doing!.. Were you even going to tell me?” Tasha glanced again at the suitcase that had been taunting her since the second she entered the apartment, “or were you just going to leave?”  
  
“Tash, this is a big deal for me!”  
  
“So what does that make me?” Patterson softened hearing Tasha's voice crack. She stepped forward, cradling her face in her hands. Tasha instantly reached for the back of her girlfriend’s neck, pulling her as close as she could. Anytime they had an argument, or either one of them was sad, they would hold each other like that. Blocking out the rest of the world, in that moment, only the two of them existed.  
  
After what could have been a minute or an eternity, Patterson broke the silence. “Tasha.”  
  
“Please don't.”  
  
“No, I need you to understand.”  
  
Tasha's grip tightened when she felt Patterson start to draw away from her. “Then make me understand.”  
  
Patterson watched as tears dripped down onto Tasha's lips, and for a moment the blonde was mesmerised. She didn't want to leave. Every instinct in her body was telling her to take Tasha into her arms right then and never let her go. But they would fall apart eventually... everything always did. “I have lost everyone I have ever loved. I don't... I can't let that happen again.” She sighed. The sobs coming from the other woman were excruciating. She could feel herself spiralling into oblivion with every small hiccup. Softly, she kissed away the tears from Tasha's lips, tasting the saltiness on her own.  
  
“I'm not going anywhere,” she breathed, her lips brushing against Patterson's.  
  
Tears of her own formed again, and she squeezed her eyes shut, not wanting Tasha to see them, but it was too late. Seconds later Tasha's thumb brushed them away. She needed to keep it together, at least until she was on the plane. It would only make it harder for Tasha if she broke down in front of her. “Can you promise me that I won't get that call in the middle of the night?” Patterson pulled away from her slightly, catching Tasha's gaze. “I can't lose you like that.”  
  
Tasha's eyes dropped down as she mumbled, “You know I can't do that.”  
  
“Then I have to go. I'm sorry.” Patterson pulled herself completely out of Tasha's arms. Her heart felt cold. The agent was a mess in front of her, the mascara smudges under her eyes would have been completely adorable if they weren't there from the pain that Patterson was causing her. “This will be better for us both in the end.”  
  
“Better?” Tasha scoffed. If it was possible for someone to look so furious yet so sad at the same time, she had succeeded. “How the hell will this be better?”  
  
“I need to go.” Patterson started to collect her things, “my flight is in six hours and I have some stuff I need to sort out at the NYO.”  
  
All fight went out of Tasha then, her composure breaking. “Six hours..? That soon?” She watched as Patterson dragged her suitcase over to the door. “I love you.” The blonde froze where she was standing. Tasha had never spoken those words out loud before. They both knew the feelings were there. Patterson could tell Tasha loved her just by the way she would look at her. The way she was looking at her now. “I love you. Please don't leave me.”  
  
The agent thought she had won her over. It wasn't like she had meant to say that; she wasn't one for emotional blackmail, but the second she said it she didn't regret it. She did love her. Maybe if she had said it beforehand, Patterson wouldn't have turned around without another word and left Tasha standing alone in the middle of her apartment. Maybe she would have stayed with her.  
  
Tasha couldn't bring herself to turn around. Her heart was racing so fast that she had to steady herself on the fencing. Not once did she think she would ever find herself in this position again. Patterson had left her. She had moved across the country, and Tasha had had no doubts that they would never see each other again. I guess I was wrong, Tasha thought for Patterson; the love of her life, the woman who had broken her heart into a million pieces and smashed it into the ground, was standing less than three metres behind her.  
  
“Uh, Zapata?” A hand came down on her shoulder. Reade. Suddenly, him ghosting her for an entire year didn't seem quite so bad. “You good?”  
  
Tasha chuckled nervously; bitterly. “Yeah, uh... I'm good.” She knew she would have to turn around eventually, they were stuck in a cage together for fucks sake. Taking a deep breath Tasha turned around, drawing it out for as long as she could, before she stood facing her ex. “Patterson.”  
  
Just the sight of her knocked all breath out of Tasha. There was something about her. She was glowing. She looked more beautiful than she had ever seen her. Although that might have been because it had been two years since they had last seen each other. “Tash.” Patterson went to take a step towards her, but instantly stopped when Tasha shook her head slightly. “Okay... okay.” Her hands went up in a surrender motion and she took a step back.  
  
The tension in the air was so thick they could probably cut it with a knife, which was why Patterson was grateful when Reade broke the silence. “Um, this is weird.” Albeit he could have chosen something better to say.  
  
“You're telling me.” Tasha chuckled drily. Patterson really looked at her then. There were dark purple bruises under her eyes; she looked more stressed than she had ever seen her, which was saying something because Tasha had always been a very high-strung person. Her style had changed though. She had swapped out the slacks for proper slim fitting trousers. Patterson noticed that she really looked good in silk. “How are you here?”  
  
“Uh...” Patterson broke eye contact then. “I've been kind of living in New York.” Tasha could tell she was nervous; her hand rubbed at the back of her neck.  
  
“You... what?”  
  
“After I developed my app I moved back.”  
  
For the second time in the space of two minutes, all the air left her lungs. “Are you fucking kidding me?”  
  
“Wait,” Reade looked between them, his gaze flicking back and forth between the two women. “You didn't tell her Patterson?”  
  
“You knew.” Her voice was small then. Was there something wrong with her? Her two best friends had ghosted her... there was no denying that she was the problem here. “Why didn't you tell me? Or call me? Did you both forget I exist or what?”  
  
“Tasha, that's not fair.” Patterson cringed the second the words slipped out of her mouth. She knew the agent had every right to be pissed.  
  
The guilty look on Patterson's face only added fuel to her fire. In seconds she was standing in front of the blonde, her eyes glimmering with anger. “No. No, you know what isn't fair? You leaving me standing in your apartment because you're too fucking scared of commitment.” Both women seemed to forget about their third party then.  
  
“I told you I was leaving because of the app! That was too big of an opportunity to pass up.”  
  
Tasha rolled her eyes, “We both seem to have different memories of that day. That was an excuse to leave and we both know it.”  
  
“Now you're just being an ass.”  
  
Reade took that moment to step between the two women before they started throwing punches at one another. “Ladies, look, I don't know what's going on right now,  but I think there is a bigger issue at hand here.” He looked between their two confused faces, rolling his eyes. “Like how the hell we are going to get out of here.” He threw his hands out, gesturing to the cage they were locked in.  
  
Tasha shook away her anger for now, she could scream at Patterson all she liked later. But Reade was right. They needed to figure a way out before it was too late.  
  



	2. Chapter 2

It was about an hour after they had been left there that their captors came back. There was a buzz, and an electronically controlled door opened up into their cage. Two men wheeled in a very large metal box, stopping right in front of them. A third man followed; Patterson could tell he held rank here. He dropped a bag of tools down in front of them, saying simply, “Break into the safe.”  
  
“Sorry, what?” Patterson stepped forward.   
  
“Break into the safe. Or die.”  
  
Despite how angry Tasha was at the forensic scientist, she was even more pissed at their captor right then. And not because he had kidnapped the three of them and forced her to face her old friend, but because he had just threatened the life of the woman she had loved, and that was inexcusable. She was two seconds away from lunging at him when a small hand curled around her bicep, pulling her back gently. Patterson ignored the way Tasha's strong arms clenched under her fingers.  
  
“Wise choice.” He nodded. “Your time starts now.” Before they could say anything else, him and his men were gone, locking the gate behind them. Tasha shook Patterson's hand off of her arm, and looked in confusion at Reade, glancing only briefly over at her ex.  
  
“You know that we can't open this right?” Reade said, looking between the two women. Tasha looked at him with uncertainty..   
  
Patterson, not realising what he had meant by that, said, “I mean, it's actually a stock embassy safe, so it will be pretty easy to crack,” she didn't even notice that Reade was trying to interrupt her, she had gone into her zone; she was too busy stroking her fingers over the smooth metal, trying to figure out a way to get inside.  
  
“No, Patterson-”  
  
“Well, not easy but you know-”  
  
“I'm talking about protocol Patterson. We're officers of the United States government, we don't negotiate with terrorists.”  
  
Tasha scoffed next to him. “Why is everything so simple to you?” He looked disgruntled at that, which Tasha didn't mind in the least. “If we don't open this thing before they come back, they're going to put us down.”  
  
“We can't just open it, we have no idea what is in that thing! What if we end up putting more lives at risk? Now that might not bother you but it sure as hell-”  
  
“What, you think just because I joined the CIA, that means that I don't care about saving lives-”  
  
S”top it!” All noise in the room went silent, the two agents looking over at the blonde. “Reade, you're mad because she left for the CIA, you thought you were a good partnership, I get that, Tasha you're mad because he has ghosted you since you left.”  
  
“He's not the only one who ghosted,” Tasha said under her breath.  
  
“And yes, you're mad at me, but that is a whole other conversation for a whole other time, preferably when we don't have an audience.” Tasha nodded slightly, and Patterson felt a bit of relief that they could finally agree on something. “Now, we need to get that safe open, and find out what's inside, because if we don't, they are going to find someone else who will, and god knows it's not gonna get any better than us. If this is so important to them, we can't let it get into the wrong hands.”  
  
As much as Reade hated what they were about to do, he knew that Patterson was right. The fallout could be a lot worse if anyone else were to open it. It didn't take him long to give in, “Okay, what do you need?”  
  
“I need you two to give me some space.”  
  
Twenty minutes later, Tasha and Reade were sitting back eating their abhorrent MRE Mexican style chicken stew. The two agents chucked playful insults back and forth, Tasha cringing every time Patterson enjoyed a mouthful of her food, as if it didn't taste like complete garbage. It was like that until Patterson stuck her hand up for silence, and got as close to the safe as she could. When she was satisfied with whatever it was she was doing, she smiled brightly and took a step back. All three of them held their breath as she pulled the handle down, and the safe successfully clicked open.  
  
The other agents were up off the floor in seconds, their food completely forgotten about. It initially looked like a metal box, and Patterson thought for a second that she would have to figure out how to get inside that one too, like those Russian nesting dolls, but Tasha quickly pushed her way through, instantly recognising it.   
  
“It's an old computer,” Patterson could have kicked herself for not figuring that out straight away. Tasha seemed to know what she was looking for. The three of them lifted it out of the safe and onto a table next to it, which shook under the weight. Zapata instantly went to the back of it, finding what she was looking for.  
  
 **“** It's CIA.” Tasha nodded, brushing her hand across the top of the frame. It took only seconds for them all to decide the best thing to do was destroy it before their captors could get their hands on it. However, just seconds later, they were back.  
  
 **“** Patterson,” The man in charge said. “I need you to get everything off the hard drive. You have an hour.”  
  
 **“** Hang on a second,” The blonde stepped forward. “What makes you think I'm just going to do that? I don't work for the FBI anymore.”  
  
 **“** Well, if you don't, I will kill your pretty friend behind you while you watch. And then I will kill you and find someone else to do the job.”  
  
  
They were almost up to the six hour mark, meaning that within the next half hour, the men would probably be back, waiting for Patterson to give them the contents of the computer. Patterson glanced at Reade's sleeping figure. He had grown bored of listening to the snarky jibes between the two women and had put his head back against the wall and fallen asleep almost instantly.  
  
Despite their situation, she had missed this; the three of them hanging out together. Okay, the atmosphere wasn't the best at the moment, but she was sure if she worked her charms, she could eventually bring Tasha around. Patterson knew she would have to give the agent some time of course, it would be difficult for the both of them for a while, especially after they got out of there, but she was hoping that they could one day be friends again. Not that she would deserve that courtesy; not after what she did.

  
“What are you thinking so hard about?”   
  
Patterson jumped, her entire body almost leaving the ground. They had fallen into a not quite peaceful silence, but it wasn't entirely awkward either. With Reade out cold there was no one to keep the conversation flowing. If Tasha was being honest, she quite liked being in the company of her old friends again. The few hours before had just reminded her how well they worked together as a team.    
  
Patterson took a deep breath, not really knowing what to say to the agent. “I'm sorry, Tash.” The words slipped out before she could stop them. Tears welled up in her eyes. After everything she had put her through, Tasha deserved a lot more than ‘sorry’, and it frustrated her that it was all she could think to say. The other woman opened her mouth to protest, but Patterson shut her down quickly. “Just hear me out okay?”  
  
“...I'm listening.”  
  
Patterson took another breath before jumping into the abyss. “It wasn't easy for me you know-” Tasha's eyebrows rose, but she didn't say anything. “Leaving. It sucked so much.”  
  
“Then why did you?”   
  
“You were right before. About me being 'too fucking scared of commitment...' I'm not-” Patterson wrung her hands in her lap where she sat opposite Tasha. “I'm not good at talking about my feelings. I wasn't before, and I'm sure as hell not now.” Patterson leant against the side of the cage, staring at something that Tasha couldn't see. “But I was so scared of losing you the same way I lost David. The same way I lost Robert... Nigel.” She shook her head absentmindedly, “I've lost too many people to death and I didn't want to add your name to the list. And I wasn't about to ask you to not join the CIA when I knew how excited you were.”  
  
“I didn't.” Tasha sighed, the lie slipping off her tongue so easily.  
  
Patterson snapped back into present time, frowning down at Tasha. “What?”  
  
“I didn't join the CIA after you... left.” She laughed mirthlessly, “Not right away anyway. I stayed at the FBI for another year before I did go.” She hated herself with every word that came out of her mouth.  
  
“Why?”  
  
“There was too much change. You...” She looked over at Reade's sleeping figure. “I didn't want to leave him.”   
  
Tasha didn't even realise the blonde had moved until she sat down beside her. They sat side by side, close enough that their legs were pressed up against each other. The blonde almost burst out sobbing when she felt a hand creep into hers, lacing their fingers together. This time yesterday, she thought, she could not have imagined that this was where she would end up.   
  
They sat in silence for a while, Patterson going over in her head the numerous ways that they could escape; Tasha just... being.   
  
Patterson broke the silence after a while. “What you said before...” When Tasha hummed in response she kept going. “About the app... It was an excuse to leave. When I got that call about WizardVille, I couldn't even imagine saying no...”  
  
Tasha slowly shook her head. Two years she had been wondering what she had done wrong. At first she had blamed herself. Maybe if she had been a more loving girlfriend, she would have stayed. Then she was angry. That was the easiest part to deal with, there were plenty of punching bags in the gym; bars she could drown her sorrows in and poker tables where she could focus all her concentration... None of that faded. She was still angry, but there was a sort of grief that had taken over her everyday life. Which she knew was ridiculous because Patterson hadn't died, she had just left. She hadn't just lost her girlfriend. Patterson had been her best friend for a long time before that.   
  
She told herself that she needed to get over the other woman who had walked out on her; that she was never going to see her again... but here they were. “How've you been?”   
  
“I miss you.”   
  
Patterson felt the other woman's hand slide out of her grip. “Please don't.” She stood up, going over to get a bottle of water, which had long since gone warm. Patterson could tell that was her way of putting distance between the two of them.  
  
“Don't what? You asked me how I've been and I'm telling you... I've missed you. Every single day.”  
  
“No.” Tasha choked out, then checked that Reade was still asleep when she realised that her voice had grown louder. In a harsh whisper she said, “You don't get to walk away, then waltz back into my life with your 'I'm sorry's' and 'I've missed you's.'”   
  
“Well... I'd hardly call it waltzing. More kicking and screaming.”  
  
Tasha fought the smile that was threatening to break out, now was not the time to go soft on her. “Oh my- can you be serious for like thirty seconds... please.”  
  
Patterson ducked her head. “I'm sorry, that was inappropriate.”  
  
“Which bit?”  
  
“Guess I deserved that.”   
  
Tasha's head tipped slightly, as she leant back against the fencing, watching Patterson. They were both on fragile ground, not knowing what the other would say next, or how they were going to react. “How long have you been back in New York?”  
  
Patterson flushed slightly. “Just over a year.”  
  
“A year..? Thats... wow.” She was still mad at her, obviously, but she had calmed down a lot since before. They were most likely going to have to work together again when they got out, if they got out. They had yet to see their captors since they had brought Patterson along to the party. “And you never thought to call me? Not once?”  
  
“No. I did. All the damn time.” Tasha looked so broken at that second that Patterson couldn't stand the distance between them.  
  
The scientist pulled her body off the floor, and walked unsteadily over to the other woman. Who would've known that twelve hours of just water and 'ready-to-eat' chicken would make you weak. Patterson stood in front of the woman she once loved- the woman she still loved and always would. She gently plucked the unopened water bottle from her hands and entwined their fingers between them. Tasha took a deep breath, quivering where she stood. “So why didn't you?”  
  
“Because,” Patterson stepped closer, closer than Tasha ever imagined she would be with the woman again, their foreheads just millimetres apart, their breath mingling together. “I knew that if I heard your voice again, I would've come running straight back.” Well that wasn't the answer she had been expecting. Patterson's hand came up to rest on Tasha's cheek, brushing the tear away from under her eye. Up this close she could really see how tired she looked, the dark circles under her eyes standing out.

  
“Would that have been such a bad thing?”  
  
Patterson chuckled weakly. “The worst.”  
  
Tasha's hand came up to the back of Patterson's neck, and she realised they were standing in the exact same position they had been two years before, right before the blonde had left and hadn't looked back.  
  
Before either of the women could say anything more, they were interrupted by the sound of a door opening echoing around them. They jumped apart, Patterson instantly grabbing the agent's hand. She pulled Tasha behind her, surprising both of them. “Reade.” She shouted. The sleeping man woke and was up on his feet instantly. He looked with wide eyes at the women. Tasha saw his eyes dart down to their linked hands but said nothing of it.  
  
Patterson could feel the other woman's hand shaking in her own. Thinking she was scared for what was to come, she pulled her closer beside her, squeezing her hand a little. Not that she knew the real reason the brunette was shaking.  
  
Tasha felt cold, Patterson's body being ripped away from her before had left her feeling exposed. Was she about to kiss her? Was she thinking now that she was back that they would get back together? They were questions for later thought, because that second, two men entered. This is going to be easier than they anticipated, Tasha thought. Three would have been tricky, but they could definitely overpower the two of them.  
  
“Did you succeed?” He looked curtly at the three of them lined up.  
  
“Yep,” Patterson stepped forward, “you just gotta press the 'on' switch there and it's all done.” She stepped back, not wanting to be anywhere near the computer when he turned it on, which is exactly what the man did.  
  
He pressed the button, and the three of them fell back. The computer whirred to life, the screen lighting up with code. The man looked impressed for just a second, but that was all the time he had before the computer, loaded with magnesium powder from the MRE's, blew up in his face.  
  
Tasha's ears rung as she wasted no time at all jumping forward and grabbing the front man's weapon and bashing him over the head with it. His body slumped to the floor. There was a thud as the other man did the same, Reade emerging from the smoke holding his gun with a wicked grin on his face. “Let's get the hell out of here.” She waited until the two of them were out, Reade going first, then Patterson, Tasha bringing up the rear end.

 

They worked their way through the maze of hallways careful not to fire their guns, but she knew if there was anyone else in the building it wouldn't be long before they realised they were gone, and came after them.  
  
It felt like a lifetime before they pushed open a heavy metal door. It was dark outside, and pouring with rain, but they didn't care. They made a break for it, taking cover behind an abandoned car when they heard gunfire behind them. Tasha pointed to a break in the trees, shouting over the sound of the rain and bullets hitting the car, “We should go that way. If we go to the road they will find us instantly.” No one objected, so she led the way.  
  
They were halfway there when a tank came around the corner, stopping in front of them. The three looked like rabbits in headlights. Tasha and Reade pointed their guns at the hatch when it opened, Patterson putting her hands in the air to surrender.  
  
“You three, Get in!” Reade laughed when his eyes adjusted to the lights, realising that it was their very own Weller behind the wheel.  
  


Tasha had never been more grateful to walk into the NYO. People had gathered around the elevator cheering as the three of them, along with Kurt and Jane, walked into the office. Now, however, they were sat in Reade's office having changed out of the clothes that had been so wet it clung to them like a second skin, and they were questioning Jane and Kurt about their lives; getting a lot different answers from what they were expecting. It surprised them all to hear that they had spent the last 18 months apart. Especially considering that the last time they had all been together was at the wedding.  
  
There was a knock on the door and it opened, a tall, handsome looking man in a suit walking in. Tasha had no idea who he was, and was about to ask him to leave, when his eyes landed on a certain blonde. “Patterson!” He rushed into the room.  
  
The scientist was out of her seat and in his arms before Tasha had even realised what happened.  
"I'm so glad you're safe." Tasha heard him murmur into her hair.  
  
Her mouth still open, she sat gaping at them. The brunette stopped breathing when Patterson briefly pressed her lips against the man’s. Patterson moved next to him, quickly taking a second before she turned around to face the group. “Jane, Weller,” She looked pointedly at them, making sure not to look at Tasha, “This is my fiancé, Carter Brosnan, Carter this is my old team.”  
  
Every muscle in her body froze when she finally glanced at Tasha's face. She was almost visibly shaking, her mouth hanging open. _Fuck_.  
  
 _Fiancé_. Tasha thought.  
  
 _Patterson has a fiancé._  
  
She had to get the hell out of there. “I... uh.” Everyone turned to look at her, mostly confused faces, and Reade's almost understanding. She pushed her way up from the table, her chair clattering to the floor behind her. “I gotta go.” Somehow, she made it to the door, her legs shaking, her vision blurry.  
  
“Tash, wait!” A voice rang out behind her.  
  
She grabbed the top of the retreating agent's arm lightly, who spun around to face her. Tasha ripped her arm out of her grip. “Don't you fucking touch me,” she growled, hesitating just long enough for Patterson to see the look of hurt and betrayal on her face, but then she was gone.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In this fic Allie never moved to Colorado, she lives in rural New York with her wife and baby Bethany.

Tasha knew she had overreacted. So what Patterson had a fiancé now? Who was she to care? They had broken up. A hand gently rested atop of hers where it lay on the bar. Tasha smiled halfheartedly at Reade.  
  
“Another drink?”  
  
“Oh God yes.” Tasha chuckled. The rest of the team were sat behind them at one of the tables. Tasha glanced over her shoulder at them all. Jane, Weller, Rich, Patterson and... Carter. He had his arm slung across behind Patterson, his hand gently caressing her shoulder. Tasha didn't miss the way she leant into his touch.  
  
“Two shots please.” Reade sighed.  
  
“Are you trying to get me drunk?” She quirked an eyebrow at him.  
  
“After today?” He picked his shot up and Tasha did the same. “Absolutely.” They clinked them together, before throwing them back at the same time. Tasha slammed her glass down on the bar top, shrieking at the burn. Reade smiled, glad to see her happy after all that she had been through.  
  
He leant his elbow on the bar, resting his chin in the palm of his hand as he looked over at his former best friend. “So...” Tasha rolled her eyes, instantly knowing where he was taking this conversation. “You and Patterson, huh?”  
  
The thought of the two of them together, didn't actually seem that weird when he thought about it. He hadn't missed the looks they had thought had gone unnoticed. “Yeah.” She looked back over her shoulder, the smile instantly disappearing from her lips.  
  
“What happened?”  
  
“We were together. It was great.” She flagged the bartender for two more drinks. Reade didn't say anything, he just continued to look at her. She knew he was waiting for her to say more, but it hurt her to even think about. In the past year, she had pushed all thoughts of Patterson to the back of her mind. She always missed her, but she didn't let it drag her down. But now she was back and she could feel all her old emotions come back up to the surface. “She left.”  
  
Reade put his arm around Tasha, pulling her into his embrace. Any awkwardness of their old feelings for each other had long gone, and Tasha would take him back into her life in a heartbeat. He made her feel safe.  
  
It had been a weird 24 hours. Tasha had gone from being alone in a bar every night, to being kidnapped and chucked back into the lives of the people she used to know. And she was glad for it. Even if that did mean she had to put up with her ex and her new fiancé being all over each other.  
  
Tasha wriggled out from under Reade's arm, nursing the whiskey she now had in front of her. “Why didn't you call me back?” She asked now more out of curiosity than being hurt. When he didn't answer she looked back over at him, to see him looked ashamedly down at his hands resting on the bar in front of him. She gently punched him on the shoulder, so he could see that she wasn't upset. She wasn't in the mood for an argument.  
  
“I uh... I got engaged.”  
  
“What?!” Tasha jumped round to face him. “Reade, that's amazing!” When it registered that it was the reason he hadn't returned any of her calls, a frown replaced her brief excitement. “But what does that have to do with you not calling me back?”  
  
He chuckled awkwardly, this conversation already going in a completely different direction than what he had been expecting. “I thought that... I didn't want you to think that I had replaced you... ya know?”  
  
“So, you thought the _best_ way for me to not think that was to never talk to me again?” She burst into laughter. Maybe it was the drink, or maybe it had just been too long since she had last seen him, but that was the funniest thing she had heard all day. “Oh my god.” She wiped a tear away from under her eye. The look on Reade's face was enough to start her off all over again. Reade joined in eventually, and he had a stitch by the time both of them had calmed down. “You're a dumbass.” She took a sip of her whiskey. “Do you know that?”  
  
“I'm sorry.” He had stopped laughing now. The sincerity in his voice brought tears to her eyes.  
  
“I know.” She smiled warmly, and jumped off her stool. She wrapped her arms around his waist, resting her chin on his shoulder. She truly was glad that he was back in her life. Losing him had been like losing a brother. It had hurt.  
  
She let go of him and downed the rest of her glass. “I'm going to pee. I expect another whiskey waiting for me when I get back, alright?” She grinned at him wickedly, and he rolled his eyes.  
  
“Yes Ma'am.”  
  
For the first time since she had been back she thought maybe it would all be okay. Except, then she had to walk past Patterson’s table on the way to the restroom and those thoughts were instantly forgotten. She wasn't sure how she was going to be able to work with Patterson after everything that had happened between them, but for the sake of the team she was willing to try.  
  
Jane smiled at her as she went past, and Tasha smiled back, careful not to catch the eye of a certain blonde, but that didn't seem to stop her jumping from her seat and following after her. Patterson ignored the confused shouts of Carter calling after her. “Hey Tash, can we talk?” She caught her at the restroom door, and Tasha froze.  
  
They hadn't said a word to each other since the day before in Reade's office. They had all taken the day off and agreed to meet for drinks in the evening to get caught up before they got to work on Jane's new and mysterious tattoos. Tasha sighed, before shoving the door open and holding it for Patterson to follow. She locked it behind her, having a feeling that this wouldn't be a conversation they needed people to walk in on.  
  
“What do you want Patterson?” The blonde leant against the wall opposite Tasha, right next to the sink. Tasha leant back against the door, watching the other woman watch her feet.  
  
“I-” She started, but stopped.  
  
“I thought you wanted to talk. So say what you need to say and go back to your fiancé.” The force at which she spat the last word made Patterson flinch. Good, Tasha thought smugly.  
  
“Actually I... didn't think I would get this far.” She grimaced, realising that she hadn't really thought this through.  
  
“Oh.”  
  
They stood awkwardly facing each other for a few very uncomfortable seconds, before Patterson started again. “I'm sorry.”  
  
“So you keep saying.” Tasha shoved her hands deep into the pockets of her jeans. She could feel Patterson's eyes on her, but she refused to meet her gaze.  
  
Patterson took a step towards her. “And I am going to keep saying it until you believe how truly sorry I am.”  
  
“What exactly are you sorry for, Patterson?” Tasha still didn't look up at her, and suddenly the blonde was right in front of her. Her long skirt draped around her ankles. That was a new look that Tasha had noticed from her sneaked glances over at the other woman. She had swapped the browns for brighter colours, and Tasha wasn't surprised that she had managed to pull off the ugliest skirt that she had ever seen.  
  
“For everything.” Patterson gently touched Tasha's cheek, desperate for the other woman to just look at her, dammit. “For leaving, for... not calling you.”  
  
“For Carter?”  
  
Tasha chose that moment to finally look at her, and regretted it instantly. Patterson schooled the pained look on her face into something more neutral. “Oh come on that isn't fair.” Her hand dropped back down to her side.  
  
“You left me because you were scared of losing me... what about him?” Tasha scoffed, “Aren't you afraid of losing him?”  
  
Patterson took a step back, crossing her arms over her chest. “He is a lawyer, Tasha. He isn't out on the streets chasing 'bad guys.'”  
  
Tasha felt ready to run. She had already said way more than she should have. “Are we really going to pretend that’s why you would rather be with him than with me?”  
  
“What are you saying?”  
  
“That he is some big-shot lawyer and I'm what...? A nobody with a gambling addiction that I can't seem to kick?” Patterson paled. It didn't matter what Tasha said now, because she was gambling again. Patterson had caused her that much pain that she had fallen back onto her addiction. “A woman who spends her nights at the bar because that’s all she’s good for?”  
  
“What?” She finally mumbled out when she remembered how to speak.  
  
Tasha rolled her eyes. “Let’s face it, I was never good enough for y-”  
  
“No, Tasha.” Patterson looked pained for some reason that Tasha couldn't understand. Had she said something..? “You... you're gambling again?”  
  
Oh. _That_.  
  
She hadn't meant to blurt that out, but Tasha had never been able to keep her mouth shut when she needed to. “It's no big deal.”  
  
Patterson's eyes widened, remembering back to the nights before they had gotten together, when Tasha would lay crying on Patterson's couch, with her head in the latter's lap, because she felt out of control. “It _is_ a big deal.”  
  
“Why do you care now anyway?” Tasha raised her voice. It didn't matter that they had the door shut now, because there was no doubt that the rest of the team sitting back in the bar would have heard that. Along with everyone else in the bar.    
  
“I never didn't care about you Tasha!” Patterson reached forward, gripping Tasha's bicep. It was suddenly very important to her that Tasha know exactly how much she cared for her. She loved her so much, of course she cared for her.  
  
“Then why did you leave!?”  
  
The emotion in the other woman's voice stunted Patterson. “I...”  
  
Tasha's lip quivered, “I'm sorry, I can't do this right now.” She tried to shake off Patterson's hand on her arm, but she just held on tighter.  
  
“Tasha, please talk to me.”  
  
“Enjoy the rest of your evening.” Tasha unlocked the door, swinging it open and getting out of there as fast as she possibly could. She couldn't stand to be alone with Patterson a minute longer.  
  
Reade had done as he said he would, and there was a drink on the table in front of an empty space. He had joined the others whilst she and Patterson were in the restroom. She grabbed the drink, downing it quickly before placing it back on the table. She pasted a smile on her face that she knew they would see through instantly. Out of the corner of her eye she could see Patterson approaching her. “Thank you for the drinks, I should really get going.”  
  
“Zapata.” Reade started to stand, seeing the way she wouldn't make eye contact with any of them, knowing that their pitying looks would make the tears in her eyes finally fall.  
  
She held her hand up, grabbing her jacket where it lay over the back of the bench, and shucking it on. “I'll see you tomorrow.” She didn't wait when a chorus of voices called her name. She didn't wait when she heard Patterson murmur, 'just let her go.'  
  
Let her go.  
  
Like Patterson had done two years before.  
  
  
Tasha managed to go a whole week before she saw Patterson again after the last time. It wasn't like she hadn't been back to the NYO since then, but whenever she was there, she purposefully stayed out of the way; never entering her lab; only using the gym at night when she knew for a fact that she wasn't there. She even went as far as calling up Reade beforehand to ask if the certain blonde was in the building, not that he would ever actually tell her. His response was usually something along the lines of, “just get your ass in here Zapata.”  
  
That changed however, when she got a call from Reade at 3pm on a Saturday, saying that he wanted the entire task force to meet in Patterson's lab in an hours time. He hung up before the CIA agent had time to protest. She huffed as she slid off the bar stall. She had just ordered herself a drink, which she was thankful she hadn't drunk yet. Then again, it was her day off so it wasn't exactly her fault if she had. “Forget the drink,” she called out as she dragged herself away from the bar.  
  
The agent got to the NYO half an hour early, so she lingered around the main office for a bit, not going into the lab just yet. She didn't need to see Patterson any longer than was strictly necessary. She got a few glances from the people who started after she left for the CIA. They knew who she was, they just didn't trust her. Not that she could blame them. The CIA weren't exactly the most trustworthy of people.  
  
“Hey Zapata, get in here.” Reade stuck his head out of his office, grinning at her. She smiled, and followed him back inside, stilling in the doorway when she saw the woman who was sat in front of his desk.  
  
“Oh, hello.”  
  
Reade laughed at her sudden awkwardness, “Agent Zapata, this is Megan. Megan, this is Tasha.”  
  
“It's so nice to finally meet you!” The woman he had called Megan jumped out of her seat and was in front of Tasha in a heartbeat. “I've heard so much about the woman he used to be in love with.” She stuck her hand out for Tasha to shake.  
  
Tasha spluttered, her grip was strong. “Hi, uh...” She was confused as to who this woman was, but then she saw the ring on her finger and it clicked. “Oh... Oh! You're the fiancee!” All of the awkwardness she had felt before leaked away. She leant forward as if she was about to tell her a secret, “And you don't have to worry about that... I'm basically a lesbian now, anyway.” She winked and let go of her hand.  
  
Megan burst out laughing. “I think I am going to like you.” She turned back to Reade, the same smile on her face that Tasha used to have when she would look at Patterson, dopey and in love. “You never told me she was a comedian.”  
  
Reade laughed, “She has her moments.” He smirked at Tasha's scowl, which faded into a laugh.  
  
Megan started towards Reade, “I should get going, I need to get back to the office, these articles won't write themselves.” Tasha noticed then how tiny she looked in Reade's arms. Looking away, Tasha felt like she was intruding on a private moment.  
  
Turning back when she got to the door, Tasha said, “It was so lovely to meet you Megan, we should get a drink some time.” Once the other woman had agreed with her, she left Reade's office, back to hovering around like a loner.  
  
She took a seat at a random desk, which she didn't realise was the one that Patterson had been temporarily assigned, until the blonde appeared next to her. “Oh!” She jumped up, looking anywhere but at Patterson, “I was just-”  
  
“Sitting at my desk? I could see that.” She placed a big pile of folders down on her desk, managing to knock a mug off in the process, smashing as it hit the floor. The pens she had been storing in it had spilled all around Patterson's feet. The smirk she had been wearing just seconds before was replaced by misery. “Oh.” Tasha looked down at the broken mug on the floor, having a sudden memory of using that same cup to make coffee in one time which Patterson had gotten mad at her about. David had given it to her.  
  
Patterson bent down, feebly attempting to put the pieces back together. “You know that isn't going to work, right?” Tasha knelt down next to Patterson, picking up the pens.  
  
“Yes, Agent Zapata I am well aware.” She snapped before sighing. Patterson dropped the pieces of glass, her hands falling into her lap. “It was a-”  
  
“Good luck charm. I remember.” Patterson's wide eyes looked up at hers, and in that moment Tasha remembered all the reasons she had fallen in love with her the first time. Tasha gave her a weak smile, which she returned, her cheeks flushed. Patterson quickly looked back down at the shards of glass, and started scooping them into her hand. “Don't do that you'll...”  
  
She had been about to say 'don't do that you'll cut yourself,' but Patterson interrupted her by dropping the glass with a loud gasp. “Shit!” Tasha saw the blood first, her instincts kicking in.  
  
“Patterson! Oh crap!” She looked around, “You,” She waved her arm at an agent she didn't recognise, “clean up this glass.” She put her hand lightly on Patterson's back. “And you, come with me,” she said guiding her to the lab.  
  
“Please, Tommy,” Patterson smiled at him as she went past. 'Tommy' glared at Tasha. She was really giving off a great impression after being gone so long.  
  
Tasha placed Patterson on her stool, rushing off to grab the mini first aid kit and a pack of anaesthetic wipes that she knew Patterson kept in her drawer. Gently, Tasha wiped away the blood revealing the wound. “You know,” Patterson said without looking up from her hand, “I'm perfectly capable of doing this myself.”  
  
Tasha's movement's stilled for a second, before she continued. “I know.”  
  
Patterson couldn't read Tasha from the way she said that. She could have been feeling any number of things right then, and the scientist (who was usually pretty good at empathising,) had no idea what they were. She watched as the agent wiped up the last of the blood.  
  
She brought Patterson's hand closer to her face, inspecting the cut that went right across her palm. “It isn't that deep, I don't think you will need any stitches.”  
  
“Thank you, Doctor Zapata.” Her face went bright red as soon as the words were out of her mouth, suddenly getting flashbacks to that one time they had 'played doctor'. “Uh... No, god... I mean. Um, thanks.”  
  
Tasha snorted at Patterson's mishap, enjoying how uncomfortable the other woman had managed to make herself. She gently wiped the wound one last time, cringing when the scientist flinched, before wrapping some gauze around her hand. “You'll probably need to change the dressing in a few hours, just... let me know if you need a hand.” Tasha rinsed her hands off under the tap, before turning to the door.  
  
Patterson's unharmed hand curled around her bicep, and Tasha froze. “Hey, can we talk.” The voice coming from behind her was small. Tasha knew she must have been hurting just as much as she was. Tasha turned slightly, bringing her hand up to Patterson's and grazing her fingertips over the other woman's.  
  
“I'm not sure that's a good idea, P.” Patterson's stomach curled at the use of her old nickname. “That didn't exactly go well last time, did it?”  
  
“I just...” Patterson sighed, taking Tasha's hands in her own between them. “You said something the other night.”  
  
“It was nothing.” Tasha looked away, but didn't make any attempt to move away from the other woman. She never had been able to say no to her.  
  
Patterson squeezed her hands gently, getting Tasha's attention. “You said that 'you were never good enough for me.'” Tasha blinked back the tears. She had been expecting this conversation at some point, but she didn't think it would be quite so soon. “That's not true. I'm sorry if I made you think otherwise.” Tasha looked up at her in surprise, and it hurt Patterson's heart to think that Tasha really did believe she wasn't enough for her. “If anything, I was never enough for you.”  
  
“That's not tr-”  
  
“Please,” Patterson stroked a knuckle across Tasha's cheekbone. “I... You were clearly going through something when I left and I should...” She took a deep breath, steadying her quavering voice. “I should have stayed to help you through it.” Tasha placed a hand over the one on her face, kissing the palm of her hand.  
  
“It's okay.” Her voice broke.

Patterson shook her head. “No it isn't.”  
  
Tasha smiled halfheartedly. “No. It's not. But I'll get over it.” She took a step back out of Patterson's reach, leaving the other woman's hand hanging in mid air for just a second before she let it drop back down to her side. Tasha walked out of her science lab then, without looking back at the other woman.  
  
  
  
Everyone, including Zapata, was back in her lab no more than fifteen minutes later, standing around the workbench in front of the screens. Jane looked surprised at seeing Tasha there, sidling up next to her. “You're here,” she whispered.  
  
“I am.” Tasha whispered back.  
  
“Why?”  
  
“What do you mean why?” Tasha laughed quietly, not wanting to draw attention to their little conversation.  
  
“I mean, after storming out of the bar last week, I hadn't expected to see you back so soon.” She raised an eyebrow at the shorter woman.  
  
Tasha rolled her eyes. Okay, so maybe she wasn't just ignoring Patterson. She felt incredibly embarrassed about how she acted.  So yeah, she had been ignoring everyone except Reade. “I don't storm anywhere.”  
  
Jane chuckled. “Well you had me fooled.” She nudged Tasha to get her attention, and nodded towards Patterson. “So what's going on with you and our scientist?”  
  
Patterson and Tasha had never actually told anyone about their relationship two years before. At first it was because Patterson didn't want to get written up for having a sexual relationship with someone in the workplace. Then it was because Tasha had left the FBI, and Jane and Weller had gone, so by that point there was no one left to tell.  
  
“Nothing.” She said curtly.  
  
Tasha could feel Jane looking at her out of the corner of her eye. “Am I supposed to believe that?”  
  
“What-” Tasha huffed, dragging the other woman away from anyone who could be listening, which definitely drew more attention, and the eyes of the blonde at the front. “What is that supposed to mean?”  
  
“Come on, Zapata. I saw the way you used to look at her, you expect me to believe it's just a coincidence that she introduces us to Carter and you freak out?”  
  
“I didn't-” Tasha stopped when her voice got louder than a whisper, “I didn't freak out.” Jane snorted, not buying a single word the other woman was saying. “Okay, fine. I freaked out a little. But I'm over it, okay? There's nothing to talk about here, can we move on?” Tasha started to walk back to the group. Everyone had arrived now, they were just waiting on her and Jane.  
  
“You guys okay?” Weller questioned them, looking more-so at Zapata.  
  
“We're fine. Can we just get on with this please.”  
  
  
When the team finally made it back to the NYO after their bust, it was almost 11pm. They had failed their mission in getting the black box which could disable the missile defence system, as it was stolen from in front of them at the last second by a group of mercenaries, and now they had very few leads. Patterson was getting ready to leave the office, per Reade's insistence that there was other people working overnight and she wasn't the only forensic scientist in the building.

  
After this morning, Tasha had given up trying to avoid Patterson. They were going to have to work together again, there was no doubt about that, but that didn't mean she was going to make it easy for the other woman. The scientist watched from her doorway as Tasha pushed her way out the elevator, covered head to toe in dirt. She looked completely exhausted. Patterson couldn't tell if she had just completely ignored her, not that it would be a first time since she had been back, or if she genuinely didn't notice she was there.  
  
The second Tasha reached the locker room, she stripped off her bullet proof vest, chucking it to the floor somewhere behind her, and stepped fully dressed into the shower. Almost every inch of fabric was soaked through to the skin with mud, so really there was no use taking it off. Tasha steadied herself against the shower wall, looking down; letting the scalding water soak her hair.  
  
A sob wracked her chest; the pressure of the last week finally getting to her. She had lied to Jane earlier. She really wasn't over what happened in Reade's office. Patterson was with someone else.  
  
Patterson loved someone else.  
  
She felt her chest tightening at the thought, her breathing becoming more erratic. She really should have taken her own advice and gotten over the other woman when she had the chance; when she was gone. Tears mixed with mud and water streamed off her. Tasha sunk to the floor, not hearing the locker room door opening at all.  
  
Patterson walked in slowly, not wanting to disturb the other woman. She could hear the shower running at the back of the room. Telling herself that she just wanted to check that Tasha was okay, she moved towards the noise. Her heart fell when she rounded the corner to find Tasha sat fully clothed on the shower floor, her knees pulled up to her chest and her face buried in her hands. She could tell instantly that the other woman was crying. “Tasha?” She called softly.  
  
Tasha froze when she head the Patterson's voice, hoping that if she ignored her she would leave her alone. She should've known that wasn't the case. “Tasha, what happened?” Patterson stepped into the shower, turning the faucet off. The brunette felt her kneel down next to her, and Tasha took a deep breath before looking up at her. She knew there was no way Patterson was going to leave her there like that.  
  
“What _happened_?” She laughed almost hysterically. “What the fuck do you think happened?!”  
  
Patterson flinched away from her. “Please don't shout.”  
  
“Why? What are you going to do? Leave?” They could both here the unsaid word lingering in the air. _Again_.  
  
Patterson sighed. “Come on, you're going to get hypothermia if you sit here any longer.” She hooked her arm under Tasha's pulling the other woman to her feet, which surprisingly Tasha went along with. “Take your clothes off.” She commanded.  
  
The agent choked on her breath. “What?”  
  
Realising that what she said sounded so bad, Patterson's face flushed. “I just mean because you're soaked. You can't keep these on.”  
  
Feeling stupid, Tasha gulped. “I uh... don't actually have any other clothes with me.” She really should have thought about that before she stepped into the shower fully dressed.  
  
“Oh... well, I have a spare set in my locker, wait here.” She disappeared round the corner; Tasha, used that time to take off her wet clothes. When the blonde returned, Tasha was leaning against the wall, her eyes shut, in just her undergarments and feeling grateful that there was hardly anyone else in the building because that would have been an awkward situation to try and explain. Patterson cleared her throat, and Tasha peaked an eye open at her. She was standing looking down at the pile of clothes in her hands, expertly avoiding looking at Tasha's body.  
  
The brunette rolled her eyes as she pushed off the wall, taking the clothes from the other woman's hands. “It's nothing you haven't seen before.” She pulled the ripped jeans over her legs, hearing Patterson breath in shakily. That definitely made her feel a little complacent.  
  
Patterson was glad Tasha wasn't looking at her then. There was an uncomfortable heat growing between her legs at the memories that were coming at her full speed. She knew for a fact that there was not a single thing Carter could do that would satisfy what she needed right then.  
  
Tasha.  
  
She needed Tasha. And that scared her.  
  
“Are you kidding me?” Tasha laughed out loud, bringing her out of here revere, as she read the quote across the front of the top. It was navy blue, with big yellow letters saying FBI across the front, just under it saying, “federal boob inspector.” She looked at Patterson with disbelief. “I can't wear this!”  
  
Patterson chuckled, glad for the distraction. That was the first time she had heard Tasha genuinely laugh with her since she had been back. “Well, it's that or the one with lego Star Wars characters on it.”  
  
“No, I'm good with this,” she replied without hesitation. Tasha frowned at Patterson; there was something wrong with her. The woman was very flushed, and she was bouncing her leg up and down on the spot. “Are you okay?”  
  
She breathed out quickly, “Hm, yeah! Totally fine!” She shifted to the other leg, her breath faltering.  
  
“Are you sure?” Tasha's hand dropped down to her side, the top with it. She took a step towards her, putting her other hand on Patterson's forehead. “Do you think you could be coming down with something?”  
  
“No.” Her voice was about ten octaves higher than usual, and Tasha could tell she was trying very hard to not look at her. She switched legs again, clenching her thighs together.  
  
Tasha's eyes went wide in realisation. “Oh.” She burst out laughing. “You are so turned on right now.”  
  
“I have absolutely no idea what you mean.” Patterson moved around the other woman, picking the wet clothes up off the floor, and chucking them in Tasha's locker. She could sort them out in the morning.  
  
“I think you know exactly what I mean.” Tasha teased, enjoying every second of it. Her mood had definitely lifted since she entered the building. The thought of Patterson going home and getting herself off while thinking about her really was a boost to the ego.  
  
Patterson looked at her, her bottom lip worrying between her teeth. Tasha's grin fading, with every second they stared at each other. She wasn't sure who initiated it, but moments later their lips crashed together. It was a kiss filled with two years of longing, and hatred, and lust. Tasha backed the woman into the lockers, hitting it with a crash. Patterson grabbed at her hips, pulling her as close as she possibly could. Tasha's body tingled under Patterson's touch.  
  
She needed more. Patterson parted her legs slightly, Tasha instantly slipping her thigh between them knowing exactly what she needed. Her breathing was sharp, and coming out fast. Tasha used that opportunity to slip her tongue into Patterson's mouth, teasing her with a gentle touch. Patterson wanted to cry, no one had ever been able to make her feel so much with a kiss like Tasha had. Not even Carter.  
  
_Carter_.  
  
Patterson pulled away slightly, resting her forehead against Tasha's, their heavy breaths mingling together between them. She placed her hand against Tasha's chest partly pushing her away, but not wanting to lose contact with her just yet. “We can't- we can't do this.” She took a shaky breath. “I'm getting married.”  
  
Tasha's mood instantly turned bitter. “Right, Clayton.” Tasha stepped away, her body instantly missing the contact. Missing the way they curved together like they cut from the same cloth.  
  
“Carter.”  
  
“I don't give a shit what his name is.” Tasha grabbed the shirt off the floor where she had dropped it, pulling it over her shoulders, her words ringing in her head. I'm getting married. It hadn't felt so real until now.  
  
“Tash, we need to talk about what just happened.” The agent pushed past Patterson, grabbing her jacket from her locker. “Please, I can't just leave it like this.”

“You left before, I'm sure it won’t be hard to do it again.”  
  
**“** Tasha, please.” She followed her to the door, grabbing her at the last minute.  
  
**“** Fine, I'll talk.” She pushed Patterson's hand off her arm. Tasha looked her dead in the eye, her voice low as she said. “You wanna know something? My biggest regret was letting myself fall in love with you.” Patterson's face crumbled, as she took a step back. It felt like she had been punched in the gut. They both had tears running down their faces as Tasha left, leaving Patterson feeling cold, and tired. She lifted her fingers to her lips, still feeling their bruising kiss on them.  
  
It suddenly occurred to her then what it must have felt like for Tasha when she left. And it hurt like hell.  
  
There was no way she could go home tonight after what had just happened, so Patterson sent Carter a text telling him she had an early morning start so she was just going to stay there the night. She wasn't sure how she was ever going to face him again.  
  
  


Tasha wasn't exactly sure where she was headed when she jumped on her motorcycle, hightailing it out of the FBI basement car park. She drove for almost half an hour before she came to a stop in a rural area of New York. She could no longer hear the night life of the city and felt like she could breathe.

  
Pulling off her helmet and placing it by her feet for just a minute, Tasha shook out her hair. She took a deep breath and looked around her. The house she had parked out the front of, had one light on in the front room she had spent many nights crashed on.  
  
_My biggest regret was letting myself fall in love with you._  
  
That had been a lie, of course. If she could go back and do it all again, she would. She would fall in love with Patterson in every lifetime.  
  
Even if Patterson no longer loved her.  
  
Before she let herself spiral, she turned off the engine of her bike and hopped off of it, picking up her helmet in the process. She anxiously walked down the path suddenly nervous that she would get turned away. She never normally turned up on her doorstep unannounced.  
  
Tasha raised her knuckle and gently rapped on the door, not wanting to knock too loudly in case she woke the baby. There was an anxious pause as she waited for the door to open.  
  
Allie took one look at Tasha's tear streaked face and pulled her best friend into her arms. She knew what had happened of course. Allie had been expecting her to call her at some point, and not just show up, but she was glad that she had. She knew Tasha, and she knew that if she was alone she would drink until she forgot, and that would make everything worse. “Come in,” she chuckled when Tasha had pulled away and the door had already been shut behind her.  
  
“Can I... stay here tonight?” She sniffled awkwardly. Allie had never seen her like this. Even after Patterson had left she had been cold and had closed herself off.  
  
Allie stroked Tasha's arm. “Of course you can, let me make up the spare room for you.” Tasha started to protest but Allie led her by the arm to the sofa and pushed both shoulders until she had sat down. “Don't fight it.” She relented, leaning back into the sofa with a grateful smile.  
  
Her best friend had only been gone a minute when another woman walked into the room, struggling with three mugs of hot chocolate. “Oh, hey Sara let me help you.” She took two of the mugs from Allie's wife, and placed them down on the coffee table.  
  
“Thank you, hun,” she smiled warmly at Tasha before settling down onto the couch next to her. She was wearing a nightgown; Tasha presumed that she had gotten out of bed to keep her company. She didn't say anything other than that and Tasha was grateful just to be in her presence.  
  
Sara and Allie had gotten together right before Bethany had been born, and had been happy together ever since. It made Tasha jealous at times, but otherwise she was just happy Allie had found someone. Sara flicked the TV on for background noise. The last channel they had on was still playing. It was a rerun of Brooklyn Nine Nine and Tasha felt her chest tighten.  
  
“ _Tasha, come on.” Patterson was knelt on the couch next to her, in a praying position... well more like begging. “Please please please.” Tasha looked over at her with narrowed eyes, but she knew she would give in eventually.  
  
Getting up off the couch she walked into her small kitchenette, Patterson watching her with wide eyes where she had left her. She didn't look back at the blonde as she grabbed the biggest bowl she could find, and the two bags of popcorn Patterson had stashed in the snack cupboard 'for a rainy day' and walked back over to the couch.  
  
Patterson watched her smugly, as she poured both bags into the bowl and grabbed the remote off the table. She kicked her legs up, drawing the blanket across both of their laps. “I have three days off. Three days of no work.” She looked Patterson dead in the eyes. “And I can't believe you are making me spend them watching a crappy sitcom.”  
  
Patterson leapt on her. “You take that back.” She narrowed her eyes in an attempt to look menacing, but she really just looked adorable.  
  
A smirk crept its way onto Tasha's face. “Why don't you come here and make me.”  
  
Patterson moved to the other end of the couch, crossing her arms over her chest. “Take that back or no sex for a week.” When Tasha's smirk fell, Patterson grinned at her.  
  
Tasha held her arms up in a surrender. “Fine, I take it back. You win.” She held her arm back out, already hating the distance between them, and Patterson instantly went to her.  
  
_ “ _I always do.” Tasha didn't even need to look at her to know that she was being smug.  
  
“Yeah well you know I can't say no to that face.” Tasha poked her cheek, struggling to keep herself from smiling back at her.  
  
Patterson leant forward as if she was about to kiss her, “I don't know what you mean. This is just my face,” she whispered, giggling.  
  
“Exactly.” Tasha reached forward then and gently grasped the other woman's face between her hands. And then she kissed her.  
  
They spent the next three days in front of the television, ordering take out after take out, and binging Patterson's latest obsession and there was no place Tasha would have rather been. And if she was being honest with herself... It was actually a really good show.  
_  
“Tasha?” Sara nudged her with her foot, “you okay?”  
  
Frowning, Tasha realised she had tears in her eyes, which she quickly brushed away. “Yeah, can we watch something else... please.”  
  
  
Tasha fell asleep that night with memories of Patterson's lips on her own; her fingers on her skin.

 

 


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i couldn't wait any longer to post this. Thank you again to Callie for proofreading i love you happy birthday!

Patterson was exhausted by the morning, when it was time for her to arrive at work. She hadn't been home yet, instead sleeping in the supply room that Rich had managed to turn into a miniature living space. It made her wonder if he actually had a home to go back to.

He had arrived earlier than she was expecting and opened the door to a snoring Patterson sleeping in his makeshift den. Rich cleared his throat, not surprised when Patterson didn't wake from her slumber. He crept closer to her and blew air in her face and she woke with a start. “I didn't slay the dragon.” She said before she fully had the chance to wake up. “Huh?” She blinked at Rich, “Why are you in my bedroom?”

Rich guffawed, “Actually... You're in mine.”

Wide eyes took in her surroundings. “Oh my God, I'm so sorry. I was only meant to take a nap.” She brushed her hand across her face, getting the sleep out of her eyes.

Rich closed the door and pulled the little rope hanging next to it to turn on the light. Dust settled down around them. “Have you been here all night?” He frowned as he took a seat on the edge of his desk.

Patterson smiled at him weakly. “Would you believe me if I said no?”

“You can try."

“No?”

“I don't believe you.”

Patterson rolled her eyes. “You're so annoying.” She stood up, brushing the dust off of her clothes that had fallen onto her in the night; her lip curled. “And you should dust in here it's disgusting.” He sidestepped so she couldn't get to the door.

Rich placed his hand behind him on the door handle just in case she managed to get past. “Okay, One.” He held up a finger in front of her, “I don't usually sleep in here... Unless it is during the day and I'm napping, so I never found the need to dust.” Well, that answered her earlier question. “And two, We aren't finished talking.”

Patterson sighed, “It's nothing, I just didn't want to go home last night, there’s too much to do here.” She tried to sidestep round Rich thinking that maybe she could catch him off guard.

“Is a certain feisty brunette the reason _why_ you didn't want to go home last night?”

“What-” Patterson stuttered. “N-no of course not what makes you say that.” Her voice had risen a couple of octaves and Rich instantly knew she was lying. Rich raised an eyebrow at her and crossed his arms across his chest. It didn't take long for her to give in. “Okay, fine. But if you tell anyone what I am about to tell you, just know that I can get you fired.”

His other brow raised in surprise. “Wow, okay. It's serious.”

Patterson stepped back and sat on the edge of the small desk, careful not to knock anything off. “So me and Tasha used to date.”

“Okay.” He hand motioned for her to elaborate.

Patterson frowned. “Why aren't you surprised?”

She narrowed her eyes at him when he laughed. “Oh sorry, am I supposed to be?”

Rolling her eyes, she continued. “ _Anyway_ , I saw her last night, and she looked so upset and I just wanted to comfort her-”

Rich interrupted her, “You wanted to comfort her, or you wanted _her_?”

Knowing exactly what he meant by that, Patterson scoffed. “Oh, please...” she inspected her nails, pretending like she had no idea what he was talking about, and snuck a glance up at Rich from under her lashes. “Can you just stop being right?” Patterson sighed.

His voice was smug as he said, “No... Continue.”

“I kissed... She-” Patterson stuttered, “we kissed.”

“Okay.” She looked up at him to see him nodding, seemingly deep in thought.

“There is no way you knew that.”

“The second you said you didn't want to go home.” He half smiled, feeling sad for her. She looked away from him, remembering the reason why she hadn't wanted to go home... to see Carter, made her feel all the more guilty. “Patterson,” Rich sighed.

“I know, I am a terrible person.”

“Hey, no. I was actually going to say that only you get to decide what you want to do now.”

If she wasn't stuck in the situation she was in right then, she would have been laughing. It was amusing to see Rich trying to give life advice. “That's the problem, I don't know what to do.” She looked at Rich with wide eyes. “I love them both.”

“You may love them both... but which one are you _in love_ with?” He smiled at her quickly before turning around and walking out of the closet, leaving her to ponder that.

“You can't just say something like that and walk away.” The blonde called after him. “Rich!” She gave up when she realised he wasn't going to come back. “Ass,” Patterson muttered under her breath as she left the closet, making her way to the locker room to get herself cleaned up a bit before she started working.

With each passing minute that Tasha didn't show, Patterson grew increasingly worried. Everyone else had made it into work by now, and Tasha was still nowhere to be seen. Her words from last night still echoed around her head.

_My biggest regret was letting myself fall in love with you._

Patterson had been pissed at first. Hell, she had wanted to throw things and scream until her throat was raw. Had Tasha really meant that? They had been good together. Maybe she had said it because she was upset about Patterson rejecting her... _Again,_ Patterson thought shamefully.

Everyone in the task force, excluding Tasha, was standing in Patterson's lab waiting for her to begin her briefing. “Tasha has five more minutes to make an appearance but then we are starting without her.” Reade grunted, looking incredibly pissed off.

Tasha showed up almost exactly five minutes later. “I'm so, so sorry I'm late,” She said as she came crashing into the room. She hadn't even had time to go to the locker room, as Patterson noticed that the other woman had her motorcycle helmet hanging from her hand at her side. “Have you started yet?” She looked around feeling guilty as it seemed that they had waited for her.

“We hadn't,” Reade moved to stand on the opposite side of the desk to Patterson. “Now we can get started.” Tasha could tell that he was pissed at her by the fact that he wouldn't even glance in her direction, but that was the least of her worries. Keaton was glaring in her direction with steely eyes. When she looked at him he raised his eyebrows, nodding his head towards her slightly. Tasha nodded once before she turned to the front of the room.

Patterson started to talk, but Tasha realised she couldn't focus on what she was saying other than the woman who was saying them. She had darker circles than usual under her eyes which worried Tasha; the woman looked like she hadn't slept in a week. Tasha knew she only had herself to blame for that after what she had said to her the night before. That was unfair of her and she had regretted it since.

When people started to disperse from the lab, Tasha realised that she hadn't actually heard a thing that Patterson had been saying. She had spent the entire time staring at the other woman. Hopefully nobody else had noticed. “Tasha with me.” Reade said as he passed her on the way out of the room.

Tasha sighed as she looked down at the helmet still in her hand but decided against going to the locker room before she followed after him, not wanting to piss Reade off even more. He took a seat at his desk and watched as Tasha anxiously came in after him. She sat down in the seat in front of his desk, the atmosphere of the room a lot different to the last time she had been in there.

“What's up with you?” He entwined his fingers on his desk in front of him. What was wrong with her? She couldn't even count on two hands the amount of problems she had in her life at the moment.

She pasted on a bright smile, “What do you mean? There is nothing up with me.”

He frowned, knowing she was lying. “I stopped by your apartment last night after work.” Tasha gulped, not wanting to think about what had happened _last night._ “Where did you go?” He knew it was probably none of his business but she was his friend and he genuinely worried about her.

“I stayed at Allie's.” She knew the question as to _why_ she had stayed at Allies was coming, but that didn't stop her from suddenly feeling incredibly uncomfortable.

Except he said something else. “Does this have anything to do with why Patterson never left the FBI building last night?”

Tasha frowned. “What?”

“Her key card never logged out.” He sat back in his chair, scrutinizing Tasha's reaction. Her eyes dropped closed, and she brushed a hand over her tired face. “What happened?”

His face was filled with pity right then and Tasha wasn't sure she could take him looking at her like that for much longer. “Nothing. Okay?” She leant forward on her seat. Reade wasn't her boss, she technically she would be able to just walk away from this conversation without any consequences, but that didn't stop her from feeling guilty about it.

“Agent Zapata,” he said when she got to the door. She halted in her tracks before sighing and turning back to him. “I know it’s difficult for you to be back here. But now I'm not asking as your friend.” He stood, “As the lead of this task force I am asking you.” Tasha internally snorted at that, they both knew that the CIA had control of this task force even if he thought otherwise. “Are you going to be okay working with Patterson? Because I need everyone in top form.”

“I'm fine, okay?” She patted his shoulder, “I'll sort it out.”

He nodded and turned back to his desk, dismissing her. Tasha rolled her eyes as she closed the door behind her. She was starting to think that this job was getting to his ego. She spied Patterson in her lab as she entered SIOC. Before she could overthink her decision, Tasha quickly put her things in a locker and made her way to the small kitchen on the floor below. She made up two strong cups of coffee because hell they both needed it, and then marched her way into Patterson's lab. “Everybody out.” She glared at the lab techs.

Patterson spun around with wide eyes, taking in Tasha standing against the door frame to the lab. “Tasha.” She frowned at the other woman. “What are you doing?” Patterson really wasn't in the mood for a repeat of last night.

Tasha held out the cup of coffee to Patterson. “Peace offering?” She smiled half heartedly. The whole ride over to Allie's the night before, Tasha had told herself that she wouldn't forgive Patterson this time. She had fallen for her charm once and she wasn't going to let the beautiful blonde woman draw her in again. Except here she was, apologising to _her._

“You shouldn't have.” Patterson smiled at her as she looked at at Tasha, before quickly looking back down at her paperwork spread across her desk.

“It's just coffee Patterson, it's no big deal.”

Patterson chuckled quietly, before pointing at the sign eye level with Tasha's head that said, 'no food or drink permitted beyond this point.' “I mean... you really shouldn't have.”

 _Oh._ Since when had _that_ been there?

The blonde looked up at Tasha again, cringing as her neck cricked in the process. She sat up straight, rolling her shoulders.

Tasha remembered then how Reade had told her that Patterson hadn't keyed out last night and an idea popped into her head. “Well, if you can't drink in here... why don't we go out somewhere?”

Patterson looked at her like she was crazy. “Tasha we are at work.”

“I'm sure Reade won't mind.” Tasha knew he wouldn't mind. If it meant the start of Patterson and Tasha finally getting along, he wouldn't care. “Come on, you have to eat... and you need some fresh air.”

Narrowing her eyes, Patterson wondered what had changed. Just last night, Patterson wasn't sure there was even a fraction of a relationship left between them, yet here Tasha was acting like the last two years had never happened. Finally relenting, Patterson pulled herself off her stool, shaking out her legs. She really could do with a cup of goodcoffee. “Let me just grab my coat.”

Once she had hung her lab coat in her locker and grabbed her purse, despite Tasha's insistence that she would pay for anything, they were ready to leave. Reade caught Tasha's eye on the way out and gave her a thumbs up. Tasha rolled her eyes at him, but smiled nonetheless.

An awkward silence fell over the two women when the elevator door slid shut. Tasha felt her eyes well at the sudden memory of their first kiss which had been in that very elevator.

 

_Patterson sidled up to Tasha's desk, a weird half smile on her face. “You'll never guess what just happened.” She chucked herself onto a chair, rolling it over so she was next to Tasha. She frowned at the large pile of paperwork on Tasha's desk that she still had left to do. There seemed to be more and more of it since Weller and Jane had left._

“ _Is this where you try and make me guess Patterson?” Tasha laughed, knowing exactly what her best friend was like._

_She thought about that for a moment but realised that Tasha would probably never guess correctly. Patterson watched the other woman's reaction, not taking her eyes off her as she said. “I got asked out on a date.” Tasha flinched, looking up at her. Patterson's wasn't stupid; she was far from it._

_Her best friend pasted a smile on her face_ ,“ _Oh yay!” Her voice sounded wrong. “I...” She frowned down at her paperwork, before standing up abruptly, “I need to uh... go to the bathroom. I'll be back in a sec.” Patterson smirked as she watched Tasha walk in the opposite direction towards the elevator, instantly following after her._

“ _Hey I'm not done.” Patterson bumped Tasha's shoulder, as she stood next to her, their arms brushing. “Guess what my answer was.”_

_Tasha casually took a step away from Patterson, which she will admit did hurt her feelings a little. “I'm not in the mood for your games, Patterson.”_

“ _Just guess.”_

_Tasha looked at her with confused eyes. Why was Patterson making this so difficult for her. Surely she must have recognized by now that Tasha had feelings for her? It's not like she was exactly subtle about them. “Yes?” She pressed the elevator button again, huffing when it still didn't appear._

“ _Try again.” Patterson looked straight ahead, a small smile playing at her lips. She saw Tasha's head whip round to look at her._

“ _...No?”_

_Patterson cheered, not caring that she drew the attention of most of the people in the room. She had an end goal here, and she wasn't about to let some onlookers... even if they did happen to be the people she worked with day in and day out, spoil her plan. “Ten points to Agent Zapata.”_

_Tasha softened at the way her name sounded on Patterson's lips. “Why are you telling me all of this then?” Then it dawned on her. “Why did you say no?”_

“ _Well...” The door to the elevator pinged open and a few people stepped out around them. Tasha stepped into the now empty elevator, not really sure where she was going now, she had just needed some air to digest the news that Patterson had a date. But now she didn't. When the doors finally closed, Patterson said, “I didn't want to go on a date with_ him.”

“ _Is there... someone else?”_

_Patterson heard the worry in her voice, smiling softly at her, she said, “Actually there is.” And just like that Tasha lost all ability to think. Patterson had feelings for someone else. She had waited too long._

“ _Oh.”_

“ _You don't get what I'm trying to say.” Patterson huffed. If she realised Tasha was going to be this difficult she wouldn't have started this whole charade, she would have just dragged the other woman into a private room and kissed her senseless._

“ _Honestly Patterson I have no idea where you are going with thi-”_

_Well, they were alone in a private room after all. Patterson stepped forward, gently cupping Tasha's face in her hands. She leant forwards ever so slightly, giving Tasha (who appeared to be a little shellshocked,) time to back out before she closed the distance between their lips. It was short and sweet. She pulled back slightly, and a slow smile crept onto Tasha's face._

“ _You're the someone else, Tasha,” Patterson brushed a strand of dark hair behind her ear. “It's you. It's always you.”_

 

Those same words reverberated around Tasha's head. _It's always you. It's always you._ It wasn't her anymore.

Tasha wrapped her arms around herself, feeling cold as she stepped out the elevator. She had forgotten to wear her jacket but Tasha wasn't entirely sure that was why she was cold. Patterson glanced at the other woman out the corner of her eye. Tasha had seemed okay with her before but maybe she was reading her wrong. “Hey,” when Tasha looked over at her she noticed unshed tears in her eyes. “Thank you.” Patterson reached out, squeezing Tasha's bicep for only a second before she let her hand drop back down to her side. Tasha didn't say anything, instead her gaze falling down to where Patterson's hand had been. She half smiled and nodded at Patterson before looking away.

They walked in silence to a coffee shop down the block from the FBI building. It was surprisingly quiet for a Friday afternoon. It was the beginning of fall and the leaves were starting to turn dark oranges and reds. This was Patterson's favourite time of year. It meant that Halloween would be coming soon and she was always a sucker for it. She loved to dress up. One Halloween Patterson had spent the evening with her DnD group and they had all dressed up. That was the one and only time she had managed to convince Tasha to go with her. She had even got the other woman into a half-elf druid costume, (which she got her out of at the end of the night.)

Tasha walked alongside Patterson with her hand's shoved deep into the pockets of her slacks. The only noise she made was the clicking of her heels against the pavement. Patterson sighed. She wasn't used to seeing Tasha so upset, and it hurt her more to know that she was the cause of her pain.

Patterson sat down at 'their' booth in the far corner away from the door, and she had only realised what she had done when she turned to Tasha to see her stood rooted to the floor, looking over at Patterson with sad eyes. Shaking her head slightly, Tasha walked to the counter, ordering what they would always used to order when they went there and took a seat in the booth.

Clearing her throat to get Tasha's attention, Patterson waited for her to look up from her hands before she started to talk. Ever since their fight in the bar restroom, Patterson had wanted to bring it up, but she had never found the right time. Now seemed like a better time than ever. She frowned slightly, thinking through what she wanted to say, not wanting to upset Tasha more than she already had. “So...”

“So?”

“Last week you said something.” Had it really only been a week? It felt like it had been much longer than that.

Tasha chuckled, “I said a lot last week, you are gonna have to elaborate.” Deep down she knew where the conversation was headed.

With a trace of a smile on her lips, Patterson nodded. “You're gambling?”

Tasha squeezed her eyes shut, resting her elbows on the table and letting her face drop into her hands. That was a better reaction than Patterson had been anticipating. She hadn't run yet. “I messed up, P.” Her voice was quiet. She sounded utterly broken.

Not wanting Tasha to see, Patterson quickly blinked away the tears that were threatening to spill over her eyes. “No, you didn't.” She wrapped her fingers around Tasha's wrist, wanting the other woman to look at her so she knew how honest Patterson's words were when she said, “You can't blame yourself for it.”

“For what, Patterson,” she subtly shook away Patterson's fingers, her hands falling to rest on the table. “Patterson. I am the only person to blame for this.” She gestured at herself, “I am screwed up.”

At that moment the waitress came over with Tasha's latte and Patterson's cappuccino (with cinnamon sprinkled on top) and a blueberry muffin to share. Tasha smiled weakly up at the waitress, “Thanks, Barb.”

The woman named Barb, gently squeezed Tasha's shoulder before walking off. Patterson watched this exchange with a feeling in the pit of her stomach that could have been jealousy. She quickly looked away when Tasha turned back to her, willing herself not to get wound up.

As soon as the waitress had left, Patterson took Tasha's hand in her own, not letting her pull away this time. “Tasha Zapata, listen to me right now, okay?” Tasha looked anywhere but at her. “You are an extraordinary woman. You have been through so much and you have  _survived._ You're in the CIA!” Tasha laughed, wiping away the tears that wouldn't stop coming. “You're a fighter and I believe you can fight this.”

Tasha placed her other hand over Patterson's, absentmindedly stroking the back of her hand with her fingertips. “Thank you.”

“I noticed that you've been... drinking again.” Patterson frowned. They had gotten to a good place, and she was sure this one question would have pushed Tasha too far. Except the other woman seemed like she was trying really hard not to let Patterson's questions get to her. This was the first proper conversation the two women had had since Patterson had been back.

Tasha grimaced. “That's only a recent thing.”

 _Oh,_ Patterson thought. That was just another way she had managed to mess up Tasha's life since she had been back. She should have stayed away... no. She should have told her she was back in the first place. “I'm sorry.”

Reaching forward, Tasha gripped both of Patterson's hands in her own “I know.” She smiled through her tears. “I'm sorry, too.” When Patterson frowned at her she continued. “For what I said last night.” Patterson's heart clenched in her chest. “You know I didn't mean that, right?”

Patterson shook her head, willing herself not to cry. She had done that enough last night. But she felt so much relief over what Tasha had just said that she couldn't stop them. “I think,” She started. “You might have meant it at the time. And as much as that _really_ fucking hurts, I know what you mean.” Patterson didn't realise how bad that had sounded until the words were already out and Tasha's face had dropped. “Oh God, no I didn't mean it like that.” She reached for Tasha's hand again, “I would never regret falling in love with you Tash.”

Tasha laughed bitterly to herself when more tears came. She was so sick of crying. “Hey,” Patterson said to get her attention, wiping away her own tears. “Being with you was one of the happiest times of my whole life.”

That dreaded question hung between them again. It was on the tip of Tasha's tongue, but she couldn't bring herself to ask again. _Why did you leave?_ She only got the same response every time. Silence. She thinks now that Patterson doesn't really know why she left anymore. Her excuse at the time had seemed perfectly reasonable but now?

Rich's words from their conversation before rattled around her head. _'Which one are you in love with?'_ She looked at her relationship with Carter and knew that she had a lot of love for him. After Tasha he had pulled her out of her funk. But then there was Tasha; the beautiful woman sat in front of her; the woman she would do anything for. She knew the answer to Rich's question. The answer was right in front of her... literally.

She couldn't do that to Carter, though. Not after everything they had been through.

Patterson took a sip of her rapidly cooling coffee, watching Tasha as she ripped pieces off pieces of muffin and dropped them into her mouth. Deciding that it was probably best to steer the conversation in another direction, Patterson said, “Have you been to any meetings recently?”

Tasha rolled her eyes half-heartedly, “You sound like Allie.”

“You should listen to Allie,” _If you won't listen to me._

“I have been too busy.” That was an excuse and they both knew it, but Patterson didn't push it. The only way Tasha would be able to help herself was if she wanted to. “We have talked about me too much.” Tasha pasted on a smile, “tell me what's been going on in your life?”

 

It was almost an hour later that Tasha and Patterson wandered back into the NYO. Tasha was glad she was finally able to have a conversation with Patterson without it bringing on a panic attack. It seemed like a start. They climbed into the elevator and as soon as the doors had closed for their journey back up to their floor, Patterson turned to Tasha and pulled her into a hug.

It was probably selfish of her to do so, but she wanted to feel the other woman in her arms. Tasha stood still as a rock at first, but she relaxed eventually, pulling Patterson tight against her body. Patterson's breath was hot in her ear and Tasha's stomach stirred. “Promise me, if you need anything you will come to me.” Tasha couldn't make that promise, but she nodded anyway. “I will always be here for you.” Patterson pulled back, looking Tasha in the eyes and giving her a sad smile. “Even if it isn't like before.”

Tasha smiled at her and nodded, not trusting herself to speak. “I'll see you later.” Patterson gave her arm one last squeeze once Tasha had nodded again and walked off back to her lab.

 

It was almost the end of her shift when Tasha found Jane at her desk. “Hey Jane,” she perched on the side of Jane's desk as the tattooed woman looked up at her.

“Hey Zapata, what's up?”

Tasha grinned at the other woman, rolling her eyes. “You know we are friends now right? You can call me Tasha.”

Jane smiled back at her, glad to see that she had gotten out of the funk she had spent the last week in. “I know.”

“Do you want to go for a drink tonight?” Tasha had been wondering since she had got back if she should invite Jane out somewhere. She had missed her when they had parted and she felt that now they were all back together she really should make more of an effort with her friends.

The other woman raised her annoyingly perfect eyebrows at Tasha. “Sure. Where do you wanna go?" 

“Great!” She hopped off Jane's desk, grinning wickedly at her over her shoulder. “I have the perfect place.”

 


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is a bit of a filler chapter, before we get onto the real story :p

Tasha steered Jane into the Cubbyhole in the west village. Jane looked at her with wide eyes when she took in the insane amount of women in the room. “Tasha...” She eyed the shorter woman curiously. “Did you bring me to a lesbian bar?” 

With a shit eating grin Tasha said, “Yup.” She looped her arm through Jane's and dragged her over to the bar. “What are you drinking?” 

Still stunned, Jane looked at the board with all the drinks written on them, her wide eyes. “Tasha, what the hell is a...  _ balls to the wall _ ?”

Tasha snorted, and the woman behind the bar smirked. “Is this your first time?” She eyed her tattoos and Tasha had to turn away to hide her laugh from both of them; the bartender was really trying to hit on Jane.

Patting Jane on the arm sympathetically, Tasha smirked, “Yeah, she's just coming to terms with it.” She narrowed her eyes slightly and nodded mockingly. Sliding her arm around the taller woman, she looked up at her. “Aren't you, babe?” 

Jane frowned, looking incredibly confused. “Um... yes?” The bartender's eyes widened slightly, her eyes flickering to Tasha's before she walked away to serve another customer. 

When she was gone Tasha dropped her arm and Jane turned to her in a hushed voice. “What the hell was that about?”

_ “ _ She was hitting on you.” Tasha laughed at Jane's reaction. “The look on your face right now was what the hell that was all about.” She grinned as she flagged down another bartender, and ordered them both  _ The Tanya _ . Tasha led them both over to a booth, sneaking a peek around the bar. 

When her gaze landed back on her company, Jane was looking at her with a raised eyebrow. “Did you bring me here for a drink or to get you laid?” 

Tasha snorted, choking on her drink. “Can't I do both?” 

Jane laughed loudly, and leant back into her seat, getting comfortable. It was a cosy place. There was a darts board in the corner that she was dying to try out. She looked across at Tasha, who had been smiling all night, but she could tell there was something wrong. The smile didn't quite reach her eyes. “You went out with Patterson today.” Tasha looked down at her drink on the table with a frown. “Kurt told me.” 

_ “ _ It was no big deal.” She fiddled with her hands in her lap. 

_ “ _ Tash-”

_ “ _ Look, no offence Jane,” she looked up at the tattooed woman with sad eyes, “but I don't really want to talk about that right now.” She half smiled, “I just want us to have a good night.” 

Reluctantly, Jane nodded. She could see Tasha's point. It must be difficult for her to see Patterson around every corner, she didn't need Jane bringing her up when she wasn't around. “Okay, sorry.” She looked back at the darts board, and Tasha followed her gaze.

_ “ _ Do you wanna play?” Tasha started to get up and Jane followed her. 

_ “ _ I uh... have never actually played darts before.” She gave the other woman a weak smile when she turned back to her with wide eyes.

_ “ _ Okay, now we are definitely playing. Finally something I can beat you at!” She grinned, as she downed the rest of her drink and placed the glass on the nearest table. “Okay, I'll go first to show you how it's done.” She winked at Jane as she picked up the darts and stood in position. “So, you gotta stand at a bit of an angle, and it's easier to aim if you close one eye.” Tasha drew her wrist back slightly, before forcing the dart forward. It wobbled in the air a bit before landing in 40.

Tasha looked back at Jane who nodded, “I think I've got it.” She mimicked Tasha's stance and threw the dart. It landed smack bang in the centre of the board. She looked at Tasha with a smug gleam in her eyes, when the other woman rolled her eyes. Because  _ of course  _ she was good at darts. 

Tasha lost three times before giving up. They went over to the bar to order more drinks. “You better not tell Reade about that. He will never let me live it down.” 

Jane made a motion to zipping her lips shut and Tasha laughed. Tonight had been the first night in almost two weeks that Tasha had felt happy. She had managed to take her mind off the blonde who had been hogging all her thoughts since she had returned. 

They had only just sat down at the bar when a woman sidled over to them. She was tall and blonde, and Jane had noticed her glancing over in Tasha's direction a few times over the course of the night. “Hi, can I buy you ladies a drink?” She smiled between them. 

Looking away to hide the smirk on her face, Jane controlled her expression before turning back to Tasha. She looked down at her watch and back up. “Actually, I was just thinking about heading off.” She smiled widely at Tasha who was looking up at her with wide eyes, ever so slightly shaking her head. 

Jane nodded once, before pulling Tasha into a hug. She didn't linger too long, and pulled away before Tasha could decide she was leaving with her. “Do you have to go?”

_ “ _ Kurt will be wondering where I got to.” Tasha nodded, she had long forgotten the feeling of having someone waiting at home for you. Of having someone who worried about you if you stayed out too long. That must be nice. “Thank you for this evening, it has been nice.” 

Tasha nodded and Jane was gone. 

Pasting a big smile on her face, Tasha turned around to the other blonde. “So... about that drink?”  
  


 

Patterson stood anxiously on her doorstep as she struggled to get her key in the lock. She had almost debated not going home for a second night in a row, but she wasn't entirely sure her back could take it, and if she didn't go home, sooner or later, Carter would come looking for her. 

She had no idea what she was going to say to him, but she did know she would have to tell him about her and Tasha's kiss because the guilt of it was eating away at her. “Hey,” she called out as she walked inside, shutting the door behind her. 

_ “ _ Hey Patty, We are in here.” 

Patterson frowned.  _ We? _

Patterson smiled as she rounded the corner to see her father sitting at their kitchen table, with a glass of whiskey in front of him. “Dad!” She rushed into his arms, relishing in the comfort he brought her instantly. After all that had happened recently, she was craving her father’s hugs. 

Carter frowned slightly at the two of them before standing from the table. “I think I am going to go for a run,” he said, giving them some space. He pulled Patterson into a side hug, and she dodged his kiss, letting him kiss her cheek. Bill watched on in confusion. 

Sighing, Carter left the room. She felt incredibly bad then. He didn't deserve that. He had always tried to do best by Patterson and she was out there kissing other people. Once they heard the front door shut, Patterson turned to her father. “What are you doing here?” She sat down opposite him where Carter had been minutes before. “Not that I am not happy to see you,” she rushed out, suddenly realising how that sounded. “Did something happen to Mom?” 

Bill reached across the table, patting Patterson's hand. “Your mom is fine.” He smiled at her and leant back in his chair. “Actually, Carter called me.”

_ “ _ He did?” Patterson sucked in a breath. Did he know? That’s not possible surely. “And... what exactly did Carter say?”

_ “ _ That you've been different since you started working at the FBI again.” He cocked an eyebrow at her, and Patterson was annoyed that her father was always able to read her so well. “Is it Tasha?” 

Patterson dropped her gaze from her father's face. She hadn't prepared herself for this conversation. It had been a long day after she had gone out with Tasha in the morning. All she had been able to think about was  _ Tasha.  _ Everything was  _ Tasha. _ She chuckled to herself, humorlessly, giving her father exactly the answer he was expecting. 

_ “ _ Did something happen?”

Patterson cringed, knowing what he was referring to. She let her head drop down to the table, breathing deeply as the cool wood on her forehead calmed her. “We kissed.” He was the second person she had told now and that made her feel even more guilty that she hadn't brought herself to tell Carter yet.

Her words were muffled but Bill understood what she was saying. “Do you want to do it again?”

_ “ _ Daaaad,” Patterson whined. She really  _ didn't  _ want to be talking about this, with her father of all people. She sat up straight, looking at his very serious expression. “Why are you asking that?” 

He chuckled at the look on Patterson's face. “I think you know exactly why I am asking that.” He sipped the last bit of his whiskey and then stood up. He had been to Patterson's apartment a few times since she had moved in there with Carter so he was comfortable in her kitchen. He flicked the switch on the kettle that only Bill ever used to make his tea, while Patterson thought through what he had said. 

He had planted the seed of thought. She  _ did  _ want to kiss Tasha again. Finally, Patterson sighed. “I do.” She brushed a hand through her hair, pulling it out of the low ponytail. “I don't know what to do Dad.”

A tear fell down her face and Bill was by her side, pulling her into a bone crushing hug in an instant. When W**** had told him that she was working in a task force with the CIA, he had realised she would be back working with Tasha. It didn't take a genius to figure it out. He hadn't however, realised how hard it would be for her. “Do what your heart wants.” 

Patterson laughed. His advice was worse than what Rich had told her that morning. 

She knew what her heart wanted.

Her heart wanted  _ Tasha _ .

When he was sure his daughter was okay, he walked back over to the kettle, finishing up the tea. 

_ “ _ I'm going to be frank with you, W****” Patterson cringed, she really did hate that name. “You have two choices here. Tasha or Carter. You love Tasha, right?” Patterson nodded, not entirely sure where he was going with this. “ _ And  _ you love Carter?” Bill placed her tea down in front of her and she instantly sipped it, the hot liquid burning her tongue.

_ “ _ You know I do.”

_ “ _ So don't keep letting him think he has a chance.” Patterson frowned, starting to protest but being interrupted. “If it's not him you want to spend the rest of your life with... you should tell him that.” 

She knew he was right. He was Bill Nye, he was always right. “Okay.” She sighed. “Okay, I'll talk to him. I just... need a little time.” Happy with that response, Bill smiled. “Can we talk about something else now? How's Mom? How's Jamie?”

He bristled at the mention of her brother. They had never had the relationship that he and Patterson had. He was more of a Mommy's boy. “He's back in rehab.” He nodded absentmindedly, taking a sip of his tea. “It was his choice this time.” 

_ “ _ What? Why didn't you tell me?!” She smiled wide. This would be the fourth time he had gone into rehab, but the other three times were mandatory. She was ecstatic to hear that her brother was finally taking care of himself for once. “That's amazing news.” She smiled, feeling all the stress draining out from her.

Bill's smile warmed, “It is, isn't it?”

  
  


Tasha squinted at the blinding, early morning sunlight that streamed in through her living room windows.  _ Why am I on the couch?  _ She thought to herself. Tasha had forgotten to close the blind the night before and was hating herself for it now. She rolled over, burying her face into the couch cushions and instantly regretting it. Her head thumped with every movement. Taking a breath to steady herself, she looked down at her watch and upon realising that she had less than an hour to get ready and be at work, sat bolt upright. 

She groaned but moved through the pain. When she got to her bedroom, she halted to a stop. There was a woman in her bed.  _ Why was there a woman in her bed?!  _

The night before came rushing back to her then, and she had to steady herself on the door frame, cringing at the awful memories. Tasha had invited the woman from the bar the night before back to her apartment. They had drunk some more there and Tasha remembered them starting to make out. Her stomach curdled with the same guilt she had gotten the night before. She had felt like she was  _ cheating  _ on Patterson. Which was ridiculous because they had broken up 2 years ago and Patterson had moved on and she should too. Plus, she'd had a lot of sex with other women since then anyway, so why did she feel so bad now? 

The other woman... who's name Tasha couldn't remember, had backed off instantly. It was late by this point though, so Tasha had offered her the bed. So  _ that  _ was how she had ended up on the couch. 

She crept into her room, careful not to wake the sleeping woman, cringing as the old floorboards creaked under her feet. She really didn't have the time to deal with her right now. 

Tasha dressed and in spite of the nausea she was feeling right then, she made herself a cup of coffee to go, knowing it would be appreciated later. She was ready to leave in under ten minutes which was probably a record for her, however just as she was about to walk out the door she remembered the woman still in her bed. 

She wasn't in the mood for awkward small talk with the woman. She quickly scribbled her a note, telling her that she was sorry she had to leave, which was a lie, and to make sure she locked the door on her way out, along with a glass on water and a box of Advil, because if she drunk anything near as much as Tasha did last night, she was sure as hell going to need it when she woke up.  
  


 

Patterson still had a smile on her face when she was standing by her desk, sipping on a cup of lumpy coffee. Her father had left the night before, and she had felt better with herself, finally knowing what she had to do. She had already been in bed by the time Carter had returned home, and he had left for work before she had woken up, so she had shot him a text telling him that they needed to talk. She had yet to hear back from him, but somehow, Patterson knew he knew. She wasn't sure whether that made it easier or worse.

She watched as Tasha strolled into SIOC with sunglasses still covering her face. She walked straight up to Jane who took one look at her and burst out laughing. Tasha growled, “This is your fault.” She narrowed her eyes at the taller woman who put her hands up in surrender, still chuckling. 

_ “ _ Hey, I left early, you didn't have to stay at the bar.” 

_ “ _ You didn't give me much choice, did you?” Tasha put her travel cup down on her desk, throwing herself into her chair. She sat back, and even threw the sunglasses, Patterson could see she had her eyes closed. A smile warmed at how relaxed the other woman looked. Maybe it was going to be a good day for everyone.

Patterson had zoned out, and she didn't realise that Tasha was looking straight at Patterson, who was still staring at her, until a smile made its way onto her face. Sitting up, Tasha's hand went up to her glasses, and she pushed them back up into her hair. “Is there something on my face?” 

Jane watched in amusement as Patterson's face flushed a deep red at being caught staring. “I... uh nothing.” She smiled at her and it almost felt like she had been transported back to two years before. Pushing herself up from her chair, she walked over to the large monitors, turning them onto the latest tattoo she had solved. “Okay, so now that we are all here,” she flashed a grin in Tasha's direction, momentarily shocked at getting a smile of the same intensity back. “I solved a tattoo!”

  
  


It was mid afternoon when the team returned back to the NYO. The tattoo had led them to a man called Hank Crawford but that seemed to be all they knew about him so far. Patterson was sat back at her desk, digging deep into the other tattoos for any more connections to the man who had slipped through their fingers. Tasha had pulled her chair up to Patterson's desk and had her feet up on the side of the other woman's chair. 

There was a different air between them today. Tasha was less dismissive of her, and Patterson was dying to ask her what had changed, but she didn't want to ruin the mood, so she ran with it. 

Not that she would have gotten an answer if she had asked. Tasha had woken up in a good mood, despite the raging headache. She had been thinking about the two of them as she rode over to work on her motorcycle. Patterson had been right. Tasha knew that she would always be there for her, even if they weren't together and she would rather that than not having Patterson in her life at all.

Tasha had chopsticks in her hand and was eating chicken noodles in the least elegant fashion. She rolled her eyes when her phone started to ring and she had a mouthful of food. Patterson snorted, not entirely taking her eyes off the screen in front of her. 

Frowning down at her phone, the caller ID read 'building super.' “This is Zapata,” She said, quickly swallowing her food. 

_ “ _ Natasha, It's John. I just went up to fix that broken lightbulb outside your apartment, and your door was wide open.” Tasha sat up instantly, placing her forgotten food on Patterson's desk. The blonde turned to tell her off but the words died in her mouth when she saw Tasha's expression. 

Tasha looked at Patterson with wide eyes as she listened to the man on the end of the phone. “I looked inside to make sure everything was good ya' know... It's been trashed. I wasn't sure whether I should call the police because you are the police-”

_ “ _ No, John that's okay. I can take care of this. Thank you for letting me know.” She hung up, looking up at Patterson in shock. Who would want to break into her apartment? 

_ “ _ What happened?”

_ “ _ Uh...” Tasha looked dazed, “someone broke into my apartment. I have to go.” She shoved her leftover food in the bin and pointed at Patterson's own untouched noodles saying simply, “eat,” before walking away to find Reade.  
  



	6. Chapter 6

Tasha had been sitting in Reade's office, with Jane by her side, for what felt like a lifetime before he returned with Weller to take her statement. 

Tasha and Reade had returned from her apartment a while ago, which was now a crime scene. She wasn't sure what it was, but the person who had done it was definitely looking for something. Every drawer was turned upside down, her mattress was sliced open; even her tv was smashed which was a little cruel because there was no way she could afford to replace that any time soon.

Keaton appeared in the doorway, and Tasha excused herself immediately. Patterson looked at her curiously but didn't follow as Keaton led her down an empty corridor. Her boss double checked that they were alone before speaking in a hushed voice, “I just got back from your apartment Zapata.” 

“Do you think this is... something to do with the dragonfly tattoo?” 

Keaton frowned, “I didn't until you said that. Why, what are you thinking?” 

“Someone was clearly looking for something. They have cut open everything. Every single possible hiding place was trashed.” She wracked her brain for what she could have possibly been hiding, but came up empty.

Her boss was silent for a few seconds. “Have you thought about bringing your team in on project dragonfly?” 

Tasha looked around her anxiously, suddenly worried that someone might hear them. “No.” She sighed, “I can't. Not yet.” She had only just gotten Patterson back, she couldn't lose her again. “And you can't either. I will in time.” 

Keaton nodded, “I should get back to the office. Let me know if you find anything.” Tasha nodded as he walked away, enjoying the few seconds of peace before she made her way back to Reade's office. 

“Sorry about that, just... CIA stuff.” She cringed to herself, knowing she sounded unconvincing. She didn't miss the way Reade frowned slightly, just like he did every time she brought up being in the CIA. Tasha looked over at Patterson who was standing sheepishly in the doorway. “In or out Patterson, either way please close the door.” 

Patterson thought for a second, before entering and pulling the door shut with a click behind her. She sat in an empty seat, leaving one between herself and Tasha. Jane sat on her other side with Weller next to her, and Reade was in front of her leaning across the large table. “Tasha, do you have any idea who could have broken into your apartment?”

The agent's looked awkwardly around the room as her mind flashed to the woman she had left in her bed that morning. She knew exactly who had done it, and she wasn't sure what their reaction would be when she told them. “Yes.” Tasha sighed looking down at the glass table.

“Well, can you give me a name?” Reade pressed the button on the bottom of his pen against the table, preparing to write down any answer Tasha gave him in his notebook.

She thought hard... had she even told Tasha her name? “I... no. I can't.”

Jane looked at her, suddenly understanding where this conversation was going. “What do you mean? You said you knew who had done it.” When he saw her reluctance to answer, he frowned. “Zapata... you gotta talk to us if we are going to find out what happened.” 

“I know,” she fiddled with the watch on her wrist. 

Tasha jumped when she felt a hand on her knee, she looked up at Jane with pleading eyes. “Was it the woman from the bar, last night?” She already knew the answer to that, but there was no harm in jumpstarting the conversation. 

Reade seemed to catch on then, nodding. “Can you tell us what she looked like?” 

Tasha paused, struggling to remember any specific details. “She was about 5'9, athletic, long blonde hair.” Reade's eyes flickered to Patterson briefly before writing that down on the notebook. Tasha had to suppress the urge to roll her eyes, knowing exactly what he was thinking. She was starting to wish she had asked to do this alone. “I can't remember any distinguishable features.”

“So, you met her at the bar and invited her back to your place. Correct?”

Tasha nodded.

Patterson choked, her eyes going wide when everyone except Tasha turned to look at her. Tasha knew what Patterson must have been thinking then and it hurt her. “You okay Patterson?” The blonde nodded and Kurt frowned. “Am I missing something here?” He was starting to feel like they all knew something he didn't.

“I invited her back to my apartment to have sex with her.” 

Weller chuckled for a second, before realising that Tasha was being serious, his eyebrows rose but he said nothing, his cheeks going red as he mumbled something about no one ever telling him anything. 

From the corner of her eye, Tasha could see Patterson looking between the two of them with a frown that was making her feel tense.

“What was the name of the bar?” Reade asked, “Was there a chance her face was caught on camera?”

“It was the Cubbyhole... in West Village, and uh, yeah I'm not sure if there is camera's inside, but you definitely would have caught us leaving.”

Reade turned apologetically to Patterson. “Could you-”

Jumping up from her seat, Patterson's chair wobbled behind her at the sudden movement. “On it.” Her gaze met Tasha's for a split second before she ran out the room.

She couldn't breathe. Tasha had moved on. She had left it too late.

Tasha looked at her watch on the way out.  _ 7:02pm... finally,  _ she thought. It had been a long day. She took a deep breath before following Patterson out of the office, catching up with her before they reached the lab. She could feel the eyes of the others on them from inside the office.

“Hey, Patterson. You don't have to do this if you don't want. Just let Stuart handle it.”

She crossed her arms, “Why would I need to do that?”

“I just thought it might make you feel a little... I don't know... weird?” Tasha thought then that maybe she should tell her that she didn't actually sleep with the other woman, but decided against it. It was embarrassing enough already.

It was like something inside of Patterson snapped then. “Just let me do my goddamn job Zapata,” she shouted in front of almost everyone in the bullpen. “I'm sorry,” she sighed, backing towards her lab. Tasha didn't follow her this time.

Patterson had regretted raising her voice the second the words had been out of her mouth. They seemed to be doing that a lot these days. Both saying things they didn't mean. She hadn't meant to shout at her, but the thought of Tasha doing...  _ that  _ with another woman made her feel sick. And the worst thing was, Patterson knew she had absolutely no right to feel that way because she had spent the last 2 years wishing that Tasha would move on... yet here she was. 

  
  


Tasha made her way down to the gym. She had a lot of pent up anger inside of her. At Patterson, at Carter (that douché)... at herself. She should have been more careful. She was a CIA agent for fucks sake, what kind of idiot invites a stranger into their home and just leaves them there? Tasha got so lost in her thoughts as she threw hard punches at the bag that she didn't notice Jane was there until she was standing right next to her and having to dodge the punch that Tasha threw at her. 

“Whoa!” Jane stumbled, catching Tasha's gloved fist before it connected with her face. “Zapata, it's just me.”

“Jane... I- I'm so sorry!” She took a step back from the woman.

“It's cool,” she smiled, strapping a pair of boxing mitts to her own hands. “Come at me.”

“I don't think you could handle me.” Tasha smirked, knowing full well that Jane could probably put her on her ass in two seconds flat using only her pinky finger.

“Let's see shall we.” Without hesitating, Tasha threw her fist at Jane's hand, the other woman stumbling slightly, before correcting her stance. With each punch Tasha could feel her rage easing out. She was so absorbed Jane had to say something twice. “What's going on with you?”

The shorter woman blinked up at her, “What do you mean, I'm fine.”  _ Smack. _

“Am I supposed to believe that?”  _ Thump. _

“It's just a... blip. I'm good Jane.” The tattooed woman sighed, letting her hands fall to her sides. Tasha deflated, and moved back to the bag. She was done talking, she just wanted to work out. Jane leant against the wall beside the bag, watching Tasha work. “So did you have sex with her?”

Tasha fumbled as she lost her footing, the bag swinging back to hit her in the face. She looked at Jane with wide eyes. Did she know? Was Tasha that easy to read? Sighing, Tasha unstrapped a glove, taking a swig of water from her bottle. “I couldn't.” Jane frowned in confusion. “Last night?” 

Eyes wide, Jane started to laugh, “I meant with Patterson.” Her eyebrows raised, “So you didn't have sex with that woman last night?” 

Well she had really put a foot in it there. She might as well tell her everything now anyway. “No. I didn't.” She strapped back on the glove, and Jane moved behind the bag to hold it steady while Tasha hit it, saving her from getting smacked in the face with it again.

“So, why did you tell us you did?” 

“Because I had every intention of doing so!”  _ Thump.  _ “But every time I kissed her, I couldn't...” She huffed, annoyed that she couldn't get the words out. “I kept picturing Patterson's face.”

“So that takes me back to my first question.” Jane looked at her intrigued. “Before or after she came back?”

Thinking about it, it might do Tasha some good to talk to Jane. She was trustworthy, and she wasn't a therapist so she wouldn't try and psychoanalyse her; and she wasn't Reade so she wouldn't try and find a solution to every problem. “She's with  _ Carter _ now.” As she said his name, she punched the bag so hard it vibrated in Jane's hands. “And it wasn't just sex with Patterson.” Jane nodded, seeming to understand. “I loved her... I still love her.”

“So before. That makes sense... I always thought you guys would make a cute couple.”

Tasha felt tears come to her eyes. She unstrapped her gloves, throwing them back in the box. Despite the fact she had worn them, her knuckles were still red raw and bleeding slightly. “Dammit!” The tears left her eyes then; she scrubbed at her cheeks, so sick of crying, but they just kept coming. 

In seconds, the taller woman had her arms wrapped tightly around Tasha. “It's okay,” she cooed against her hair. They stood like that for a few minutes until Tasha had pulled herself together.

“I'm okay.” Tasha took a deep breath. Her good mood from earlier in the day had long gone. All she wanted to do now was curl up into a ball and sleep for a week. She was still pissed at Patterson but she was too tired to fight her anymore. 

“I shouldn't have pushed you, I'm sorry-”

“No,” Tasha quickly squeezed Jane's hand, before retrieving her water bottle, and taking a long drink. Her arms were shaking, now that her body had cooled down. She had overexerted herself. “You're right. I should talk about it.” She sat down against the wall, pulling her legs to her chest. Jane sat slowly down next to her, not saying anything, just waiting for her to speak.

“We were together. We  _ were  _ a cute couple...”

“What happened?”

“She disappeared; moved to California to make that stupid app... which is so damn good.”

Jane chuckled. “You play it too huh?”

“Who doesn't.” Tasha shook her head, sighing. “I want to hate her... it's not like she wouldn't deserve it. But I can't.” The agent picked at the rough carpet they were sat on. “Am I an idiot for still loving her?”

A tattooed arm hooked it's way through her's. “You're not an idiot at all. I get it. Patterson is incredible; she's beautiful, she's crazy smart... She's also jealous.”

Tasha looked up at Jane, “What do you mean?”

“Come on Zapata, don't tell me you haven't noticed!”

“Noticed what?” She laughed at the grin that had spread across Jane's face. “Jane!” She punched her lightly on the arm, brushing off the pain that shot through her hand. “Tell me!”

“Let's just say... her face when you said you had sex with that woman from last night... was a picture. I thought she was going to combust.”

Tasha wanted to smile. She wanted to let herself be  _ happy  _ at this news. But that didn't change the fact that Patterson was still getting married. She was still going to go home tonight and curl up in  _ his  _ arms in  _ their  _ bed, in their cosy little apartment. “We kissed the other night.” The words were out before she could stop herself. Jane pulled her arm away from Tasha, pulling the other woman round to look at her. 

“You what?”

At that very moment, the door swung open and Reade stepped in. He looked confusedly between the two woman sat on the floor, before shaking it off. “Patterson has something, we need you upstairs.” 

Tasha was up on her feet straight away, glad for the escape. 

“This conversation isn't done,” Jane whispered, as they followed Reade out, making their way to the locker rooms. Tasha said nothing.

 

It was fair to say that Patterson was well and truly surprised when Jane and Tasha strolled into the bullpen with smiles on their face. Especially after the way Tasha and Patterson had parted. She was glad that she hadn't managed to ruin the brunettes mood entirely. Patterson was still upset with her, but when Tasha looked her direction and her smile didn't disappear, she forgot all about why she was upset. Smiling back, Patterson's eyes darted down to Tasha's knuckles which were wrapped in gauze. She frowned slightly, looking at Jane who was staring intently at her. Jane shook her head ever so slightly so Tasha wouldn't notice, and Patterson didn't question it.

“So,” she spoke to her team once they were all stood around her, waiting for her to tell them what she had found. A picture of the woman was brought up to the screen and Tasha flinched with the wave of embarrassment that came with it. “Her name is Saskia Mikhailov, and I probably just butchered her name.” She absolutely didn't miss the small laugh that came from behind her at that.

Everyone seemed to turn to Tasha then for confirmation that that was the right woman. “That's her.” 

Pulling herself together, Patterson turned back to the big screen in front of them. “According to her file, she has ties to the Russian mafia, but they have never been able to provide enough evidence to have her put away.”

“So, what did she want with me?”

“I'm not done yet.” Patterson said as she pulled another picture up onto the screen. It was one of Jane's tattoos. “There were in fact cameras inside the building and I was able to get a hold of the footage, and I was combing through it trying to find something which could give me any clues as to who she was, when I noticed that a few minutes before she came over to you at the bar Tasha, she was talking to a man.”

“That's weird.”

“Why is that weird?” Weller asked beside her.

Tasha could see the smirk on Patterson's face that she was trying and failing to hide. “The Cubbyhole is a lesbian bar.”

“Yup that's weird... continue Patterson.” Jane laughed from next to him.

“Okay, so” she enlarged the video on the screen, zooming in on the man's face, but it was too pixelated to get a clear image. “I ran this through our facial recognition database just to be sure, but as you can probably guess we got nothing.” 

“So how does that help us? And what does it have to do with Jane's tattoos?” Reade huffed.

“Patience boys.” She didn't have to look at Tasha to know that she had that smug expression on her face that appeared every time Patterson put Reade or Weller in their place. She wasn't exactly sure what Jane had said to Tasha before, but she wanted to get down on her knees in front of her and thank her profusely. She didn't though because that would be weird. “I have sent this image,” Patterson referenced the man from the video, “to one of my guys in California and he is pretty sure he can clear it up enough for us to get a name, and in regards to the tattoo... this is where it gets really weird.” 

“I was looking at the time stamp, and I noticed something familiar about the numbers of the exact time that she walked over to you. And then I realised why.” Patterson made the tattoo bigger and central on the screen. It was one of the new ones, glowing a neon purple colour. “It took me a while to figure it out, but I remembered a type of coding I had used back in college, called the Pentad Code. It is usually only used for short number sequences, like this one, and when I decoded it, I got the date from the footage. Zero, one, twenty-one, eighteen, and the freakiest bit was it showed the time too, down to the last second.”

“That's crazy.” Tasha felt cold. There was no way that Roman could have known the exact date and time that she would have been at the bar month's in advance. Or that she would then take the woman home with her. “Are you sure?”

“One hundred percent positive. Whoever this woman is, must have been stalking you for days, working out your move. There is a possibility that even if you were at home  _ in your apartment  _ you probably still would have met at that exact moment.”

“Awe,” Tasha said sarcastically, “almost like fate.”

“Yeah... if fate was completely twisted.” Reade said, looking concerned. “I'm gonna have a detail put on you at all times until we catch this son of a bitch, I don't feel comfortable with you being alone right now after what has happened.”

Tasha groaned, “I'm perfectly capable of looking after myself.” 

“Which I am well aware of. But I'm not taking any risks.”

“Okay fine, whatever helps you sleep at night,” she chuckled. He turned to scold her then but his face softened when he realised she was messing with him. “So what do we do now?”

“Is there anything in your apartment that someone might have wanted to steal?” Patterson asked her.

Tasha thought back to the conversation she had had with Keaton earlier that morning and couldn't shake the feeling that the break in was connected with project dragonfly. She shook her head. “Not that I can recall.” All the while knowing that she was running out of time to tell her team the truth. It was then that Patterson's computer pinged to life.

“Oh!” Patterson jumped over to it excitedly. “The image came through.” Patterson swiped the image over to the large screen for everyone to see and Tasha's blood ran cold. 

It couldn't be.

It  _ was. _

“Zapata, do you recognize this man?” Weller questioned, but received no reply. Her silence drew the attention of the rest of the team. 

“Tasha?” Reade crept closer to her, noticing that she had gone a pasty shade of green. He reached out to her and she gripped onto his arm. She could feel her chest tightening, and her feet felt like they were no longer on the floor. 

“Yeah... I know that man.” 

“Who is it?” Patterson asked, her gaze flickered between the photo and Tasha's face and it clicked.

Tasha was staring into the eyes of a man she hadn't seen since she was five years old. “That's... my father.” That's the last thing she remembered before everything went black.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello omg it feels like it has been about 5 years since i wrote anything for this fic wow. I am really sorry to leave you hanging there especially after the end of that chapter, so heres a small one while i write some good stuff!

Patterson sat by Tasha's bed in medical at the NYO. A doctor had hooked her up to a drip because she was exhausted and dehydrated, and after everything that had happened in the past 24 hours, the shock of seeing her father’s face appear on the screen like that must have pushed her over the edge. She fiddled with the fabric wrapped around Tasha's knuckles, still unaware what had happened to them, and waited for Tasha to wake of her own accord. She would be fine, the doctor had said, she just needed to rest but there was nothing to worry about.

That didn't stop the feeling she got in her stomach every time she remembered the way Tasha's body had slumped over, Reade only just catching her in time.

Reade had told her that if she insisted on staying by Zapata's bed, then she was given strict instructions to call him the second she woke up. She wasn't going to do that through. If the sight of seeing her father like that had made her faint, she didn't then need to be grilled about him.

It wasn't long before Tasha's finger's moved under her's, and Patterson looked up to find shining brown eyes staring into hers. “Hey,” Tasha croaked, pushing herself up on the bed.

 _“_ Hey yourself.”

Tasha's eyes flick down to their enjoined hands, Patterson instantly going to pull away. “I'm sorry.”

 _“_ No,” Tasha reached for her hand.

Patterson understood what she was wanting then. “Tash...” She sighed.

 _“_ Just let me touch you.” Her face crumbled. “Please.” The scientist didn't really take much persuading after that, pulling her chair as close to the bed as she could get it. She took Tasha's hand in hers, placing a gentle kiss against her palm.

There was a long stretch of silence between them. All Tasha could think about was her father. Where had he been for the last 25 years? How the hell did he have ties to the Russian mafia? She looked down at Patterson's face, who seemed to be equally distracted. “What are you thinking about?”

The blonde jumped slightly, almost as if she had forgotten where she was. “You.” She frowned as she looked over Tasha's body double checking that she was okay. “When you... before. When you fainted. I didn't do anything. I couldn't move because I was so scared that... It was an irrational fear of course but-”

 _“_ Hey,” Tasha rested her hand on Patterson's cheek, “I'm okay. See,” She forced herself to smile wanting to reassure her, while reaching down and taking Patterson's hand in her own. She rested the other woman's fingers against her chest, holding them in place with her own. Patterson's eyes fluttered closed at the feeling of Tasha's heartbeat beneath her hand. 

Finally, Patterson nodded and crawled up onto the bed next to her. For a moment, Tasha forgot how to breathe. It had been a long time since they had been together, but it felt natural for Patterson to tuck her chin into the crook of Tasha's neck like she always used to do. It felt _right_.

Sinking into the embrace, Tasha sat back properly and wrapped her arms around Patterson's back. “I'm okay,” she whispered into blonde hair.

 _“_ You're okay,” The other woman whispered back, and Tasha ignored the way Patterson's breath tickled across her neck, thinking back to her conversation she had had with Jane after they had followed Reade out of the gym. It felt like a lifetime ago now, even if it had only been a couple of hours.

“ _Zapata!” Jane pulled her round to face her, after checking that they were the only two people in the locker room and closing the door behind them.”You can't just say something like that and then expect me to drop it.”_

“ _I don't know what you want me to say, we kissed, it was great, she remembered she was getting married. That wasn't so great.” Tasha shook herself out of her grip, walking towards her locker. She sighed as she pulled the top she had been wearing out of her locker which was now a crumpled mess._

“ _You can't wear that,” Jane said behind her, going over to her own locker. She pulled out a plain white blouse, which in all honesty Tasha had never seen her wear once. Maybe she had switched up her style while she was gone. “Take this.”_

“ _Thanks.” She took a seat on the bench, waiting for Jane to sit down next to her. “I don't know what to do.”_

“ _You can start by pulling yourself together...” Tasha glared at her, “and I mean that in the nicest possible way.” Jane continued._

“ _No your right,” she softened, playing with the silky fabric in her hands. “I just... I don't know how to_ not _be a mess... If you get what I mean.”_

“ _Baby steps.” Jane squeezed her knee. “Take a shower, because you stink,” she paused while Tasha laughed. “Clean up those knuckles... and smile.”_

“ _Smile?”_

“ _Yes Zapata. I don't know if you know it? It's that thing you do with those muscles in your face.”_

_Tasha snorted, smacking Jane on the leg. “Shut up, I can smile!”_

“ _I wouldn't have guessed that. You've been walking around with a face like a smacked ass for the past two weeks.”_

“ _Hey, just because you've got Kurt and your perfect life, doesn't mean you get to judge me on mine.”_

“ _I'm not judging. And trust me my life is far from perfect.” Jane looked up at her when she went silent. She was obviously contemplating what to say. Tasha nodded her on. “I'm just saying... Patterson is back. You may hate that she left, but she's here_ now, _focus on that.”_

_Tasha shook her head, “I can't just forget what she did-”_

“ _I'm not saying forget... but maybe just enjoy that she is back.”_

“ _I don't know... all I see when I look at her is_ him. _”_

_Jane cocked her head. “You're still in love with her aren't you?” She got all the answers she needed when Tasha looked away from her, not able to look her in the eye. “Well, you're never gonna be able to win her back if you carry on like this. You're just gonna push her away, and one day soon she will be gone from your life. Again. Is that really what you want?”_

“ _Who said I wanted to win her back?”_

“ _Your face, literally every time you look at her.” Jane laughed._

They stayed like that for a while, only moving when Rich entered the room. Patterson didn't jump up like Tasha expected her to and Rich didn't have a shocked reaction to their positioning, so Tasha presumed that he must have known about them. Patterson must have told him. But why would she do that if she was engaged to someone else?

 _“_ Hey, grumps sent me down to check on you... both.”

Patterson smiled halfheartedly. “Tell Reade we will be up in a few minutes?”

He nodded, looking between them he frowned, before settling on Tasha, “We are on your side here, okay? Whatever you want to do now... we will support you.”

Warmth filled Tasha's chest, and she knew then that no matter what happened she would be okay. Who knew it would be _Rich_ to persuade her of that. She smiled and nodded, not trusting her voice not to crack, before he disappeared, pulling to door shut behind him.

They were quiet again and Tasha wriggled on the bed slightly, her butt had started to get numb. “I can't wait to get back to my own bed.” Tasha laughed, Patterson joining in at the suddenness of the other woman's statement, and Tasha suddenly stopped laughing, remembering the state of her apartment. “Which is going to be a while apparently.” Tasha frowned.

Patterson scooted round to look at Tasha. “Why?”

 _“_ I can hardly go home. My apartment is completely trashed.” Tasha's head fell back against the bed, her eyes closing with a huff and Patterson sat up, crossing her legs.

Without a second thought she said, “Well stay at mine then.”

Tasha peeked one eye open at the other woman. “With you and Carter? No thanks.”

Patterson frowned, “Please Tash, I just want you to be safe... Maybe if you get to know him you won't hate him quite so much.” The look of disbelief on Tasha's face was almost comical, her eyebrows were almost in her hairline.

 _“_ Yeah... no.”

Patterson latched onto Tasha's arm, “just for tonight, while you get your apartment sorted out and then tomorrow you will be back in your own bed.” _With whoever you want._ Of course Patterson didn't say it out loud but the look of pain on her face didn't exactly hide how she was feeling.

Tasha decided then that she should tell her, but only because she was curious as to what the other woman's reaction would be. “I didn't actually sleep with that woman last night. Saskia. We didn't have sex.”

Patterson pulled away from Tasha so far she almost fell off the fake hospital bed, She had to grip onto the metal rail which was currently down to stop herself from falling on her ass. “You... didn't?”

 _“_ Nope.”

“Why?” Patterson took a deep breath.

“I think you know why.” Tasha reached a hand, brushing her fingers over the smooth fabric covering her shoulders. Patterson wanted to let herself fall into Tasha's arms right then, but she couldn't. Not yet. She hadn't spoken to Carter and that would be unfair on both him and Tasha. “We should probably go upstairs now.” For almost the hundredth time since she had woken up, the mugshot of her father flashed before her eyes. “It will probably be a long night.”

“Yeah, okay.” She smiled sadly at Tasha as she climbed off the bed, when all she wanted was to be wrapped up in her arms. There was no point in trying to deny now that she was still in love with her. Of course she still loved Carter. He had gotten her through a tough period when they were in California together. He would always have a very special place in her heart that belonged to him, but Tasha had the rest of it.

She wonders now how she had done it. How she had managed to turn her back on the woman she loved more than anyone and walk away from her like she had done. She couldn't bear to be apart from her now. Maybe distance really does make the heart grow fonder.

Shaking herself back to the present, Patterson straightened her clothing, making herself look more presentable before following Tasha back to SIOC.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



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